How to: Tell your loved ones you only want $$ for the holidays

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by Simpsonian News Director: Sylvia Koss

Christmas is a time for family fun, decking halls and obtaining tremendous amounts of swag, but how do you ensure your gifts are the best under the tree? The answer is simple…manipulation.

Below we have listed numerous ways to avoid the undesirable gifts and bring in what people really want, cash.

Clothing:

“If I were to purchase clothing for you for Christmas, where would you like me to shop?”

Instead of explaining your personal fashion style, inform your family members that if they give you cash, you can pick it out yourself. This also saves them from the embarrassing “this isn’t my size” conversation that is sure to follow.

When it comes to underwear and socks, simply state the awkwardness that comes with having someone else pick out your underwear. As for the socks, welcome those gifts graciously as they will come in handy when Humans vs. Zombies is back on-campus.

Fruitcake:

The beloved fruitcake, a combination of candied dried fruits, nuts and spices baked into a cake that is then soaked in liquor. As delicious as it may sound to the average college student looking for a little of Mom’s home cooked delicacies, anyone that has tried one can affirm the fruitcake is an undesirable gift and best replaced with cold cash.

One method of warding off the unwanted dessert is by mentioning your new diet regiment that you started within the last week or so. Then briefly explain your workout plan and gym you attend (Remember this is probably a lie, so only describe places you know. Perhaps you could check out a local workout facility in advance to get a feel for the layout and classes offered.).

After this, make a remark about how devastated you are that the membership fees are going up and you might not be able to afford them next month. This opens the door for a conversation on how cash for Christmas would be a great gift option for you this year.

Who can say no to the healthy lifestyle choice?

Batteries:

Many of life’s essential items require batteries to operate correctly, and those are an expensive purchase. Take these graciously and create a stockpile.

Next time someone in your residence hall needs new batteries for their television remote, you’re ready. You could even charge them money, thus making a profit for beer, books or whatever else your heart desires.

Do keep in mind that batteries will corrode over time, so use them within a few years of unwrapping.

Perfume or body lotion

Perfumes and body lotions are great gifts to receive until the cap comes off and the awful aroma fills the air.

This is when you fake an allergy to scented products. Nothing too serious, a mild breathing issue perhaps or a rash if you are able to produce one on command (we wouldn’t brag about that talent).

Tell your friend or family member it isn’t a huge deal, but it would be nice if they footed the bill for you to seek medical attention come morning. Depending on your insurance plan and place you “visited” for “treatment”, you could easily pocket $20 to $50.

Ornaments and other stocking “junk”:

Let’s face it, as we get older, stockings are a letdown. The only things that seem to be in them are candy, ornaments and cheap toys that look like party favors from a 5-year-old’s birthday party. While a tube of ChapStick or a pack of Post-it Notes are useful objects, a stocking’s space can more efficiently filled with crumpled up dollar bills.

To make this suggestion, confuse and/or impress them by showing off your math skills learned from Simpson College. For instance (you can use this if you’d like):

The average stocking is 18 inches deep, 12 inches wide and 5 inches in diameter, thus creating a volume of .625 cubic feet. When adding the traditional toe section, the volume is upped to .827 cubic feet. A properly crumpled dollar bill of any denomination is roughly .025 cubic inches in volume. This being said, approximately 227 dollar bills can be crumpled to this size and squished into an average stocking.

No matter the denomination, you have just managed to pitch a case for some serious amounts of cash. Effective? Guess you will just have to wait until Christmas to find out.

**Keep in mind that all of these numbers have been made up. The Simpsonian staff specializes in journalism, not math.

Whichever method you choose, we hope that you successfully find money, or whatever it is you desire this year, under your Christmas tree.