How to get the best seat in Pfeiffer


Now that you know the art of utensil acquisition, it is time to master finding a place to sit. If you travel en masse to Pfeiffer, then this task is as simple as locating an unoccupied table.

We’ve all been there, plate in hand, filling our cup(s) scanning the horizon for our usual table of friends. What happens if you make eye contact with no one? Luckily, we are here to help.

If you are a normal and social Simpson student, you will sit at one of the many round tables located throughout Pfeiffer. Do not, I repeat, do not sit at a rectangular table.

Now, I don’t want to offend anyone who normally sits at these tables, mainly because you are the ones most likely to read this article. The rectangular tables are home to three groups of people: couples, those dining alone (and reading the paper or pretending to study) and  international students.

However, if you belong to one of these groups, feel free to sit at one of the rectangular tables. This is especially true if you are alone. By sitting at a round table by yourself, you are occupying prime table real estate.

You could pull a Lindsay Lohan a la “Mean Girls” and eat in the bathroom by yourself, although, this is not highly recommended.

For one, eating in a bathroom is very unsanitary. For two, exhibiting Lindsay Lohan tendencies is very much discouraged. Also, the Pfieffer bathrooms are not large enough to house all of the people eating alone.

We also strongly suggest not sitting with vague acquaintances. If you are nodding acquaintances, one bad Pfeif experience can ruin your relationship forever and are we really willing to sacrifice that? No one wants awkward eye contact for the rest of the year.

The following people qualify as a vague acquaintance: the person living on your floor whom you only speak to on your way to the shower, that friend of a friend who may have sat with you once before but you have no other ties to or that kid who sits three seats away from you in class and you wouldn’t even ask them for notes.

Bottom line, if you can’t recall someone’s name in a timely manner, you shouldn’t sit with them.

If you are one of the lucky few who have the opposite problem and come across a table with too few chairs, it is acceptable to pull up a chair from a nearby table.

If you run into “that guy” who says no when you politely ask to steal a chair, there is an overlooked stack of chairs available by the north doors.

The authors of this column would like to note that while Pfeiffer may separate us into various cliques, it can also build new friendships, enhance existing ones and ultimately bond us in ways no other building on campus can.