I live with three girls, and I love them all to death, but I’m having trouble with one of them. She shares a room with me and things have been going great until just recently. Her boyfriend likes to spend the night over here a lot, and that’s just fine with me. The problem is that they often have sex in the bunk above me while I’m trying to sleep below. I want to yell at her because I think it’s so rude, but I don’t want her to be mad at me and make things uncomfortable in our room. Help me!

– Irritated in Detroit

Dear Irritated:

Boy, if I had a nickel for every time I’ve heard this complaint, I’d have about $1.85 in change. The solution has evaded men and women alike for decades, yet I think I may have arrived at a solution in a moment of sheer clairvoyance.

Step 1) Assess the situation. Can you still get to sleep while they’re working out above you? If yes, then take some NyQuil to move up your meeting with Mr. Sandman and let them be. If no, proceed to step 2.

Step 2) So the hibbity-dibbity is keeping you up. Do what any desperate, but logical, counterstrike operative would do: fight fire with fire. Go out and meet a promiscuous, high-decibel outspoken man. (I know, that’s about as hard as a “Where’s Waldo?” book.) Proceed to step 3.

Step 3) Ascertain when your roommate will be sleeping alone and bring said gentleman back with you along with at least 3 of the following items: The Clapper, a cowbell, the vocal score from the opera, “The Barber of Seville,” Jell-O, Ziploc bags, a string of firecrackers and, if you can get it, a donkey. On to step 4.

Step 4) Wait until she is about to drift on to sleep, and begin kissing your date loudly. If she objects, go to step 6. If she says nothing, continue the Coital Concerto in C. Heat things up between you and your man while exaggerating the motions and sounds. Still no response from the girl above? Step 5…

Step 5) Affix The Clapper to your wall and begin clapping as your boy alternates between hitting the cowbell and throwing bags full of Jell-O against the wall. Cue the donkey’s braying and really open up on the first few lines of “Figaro, Figaro, Figaro” as you light off the firecrackers and throw them about the room. As the two of you make enough racket to warrant a noise complaint from the CAs in Washington and Colonial, she’s sure to notice, so it’s on to step 6.

Step 6) If you’ve arrived at step 6, it means that your roommate has taken note of your audible intimacy and wants to confront you about it. Listen to her complaints and bring up your list of grievances with her and her boyfriend’s lovemaking. Now that she understands what it’s like (and then some) she’ll be more than willing to arrange some sort of timetable schedule in which the two of you don’t have to listen to each other in the throes of passion.

Sincerely,

Matt Morain

Dear Irritated in Detroit,

First of all, you need to have a talk with this girl. But, that comes later and only to be preceded by overdue revenge.

It will take a prepared willingness on the part of your roommates. This is what needs to happen to bring justice back into the Detroit community. Next time you finally reach that point of sweet slumber and are woken by the funk going on above, spring out of bed, flinging the door wide open, and loudly rush to the bathroom indicating some “uncontrollable emergency.”

Everyone should be on-call for this prank. You may possibly need to make some strange animal noise to be a code alert for the situation. Every roommate should then wake up and wonder what all the commotion is just in time to incriminate your roommate in the act, or to find her boyfriend nakedly running to shut the door. I have no idea who this inconsiderate lover is, so whether it’s to your benefit or detriment to find him naked is something you’ll have to ponder alone.

Aside from the previous possible benefit, your roommate and her “friend” should feel exposed, embarrased and apprehensive about doing it again. Make sure everyone laughs, points and generally ridicules the couple. It’s only fair.

This will also be an excellent prompt for a conversation, if it’s even necessary at this point.

Don’t lose a friend over this…gain a laugh.

Sincerely,

Kate Anderson