Creaking Springs Are Too Much to Handle


by Amy Johnson

This is Simpson, the wonderful place where students are stuffed into small apartments or dorm rooms with no privacy. The living arrangements aren’t the best by any means, but there are ways to make them so much worse. How? Make enemies with the neighbors. Try these little tips for the dirtiest looks you could ever imagine from neighbors you’ve never met.

We’re in college – a time for experimenting with all sorts of things. If the heat of the moment strikes, go for it. Don’t worry about the “creek creek” of the bedsprings. I’m sure your neighbors can’t hear anything through the paper-thin walls anyway. Heaven forbid you take your “business” to the floor (or WD 40 the springs). We live in a day and age where most people won’t know what you’re doing to make those springs sing. The first thought on their minds will more than likely be, “Oh – they must be having a pillow fight up there.”

Speaking of fighting, make sure to fight with your significant other right outside your door. Why take it to a private place such as a car? Who knows, maybe you’ll be discovered by an acting agency. Even Julia Roberts had to start somewhere. Your neighbors will love to be woken up from the blond girl crying hysterically and yelling at the top of her lungs, “You don’t love me!” We’re college students, and we’re poor. With this kind of entertainment, the whole hall will pop a bag of popcorn and take turns looking out the peephole while your mascara and eyeliner start to run.

If the loud extracurricular activities in bed and fighting with your ex don’t work, step your game up a notch – play your surround sound stereo at the most random times of the day or night. I’m sure everyone likes Kid Rock and Sheryl Crow. Those raging parties wouldn’t be the same without the loud music on a weekday anyway. Your neighbors start pounding on the ceiling? No problem; just pretend they are feeling the beat, turn your swag on and the music up to drown out their added thumps.

What’s loud music without a little dancing?

Start break dancing at odd hours of the morning. Two a.m. should suffice, especially if you can bench-press over 250 pounds. Let them wonder if a family of elephants recently moved into the apartment above them.

There’s nothing like having the people below you wake up from the thundering to your feet upstairs. Maybe the rhythm will put them into a deeper sleep.

If you’ve tried the above tips and still haven’t gotten the response you and your roommates wanted, this last one should leave your neighbors calling security in record time.

When nature calls, it can’t be helped. If your bathroom is occupied, the balcony will do. Who needs the cover of darkness? Pee off your balcony, especially during the day when you live over an entrance. What are the odds that someone will be coming out that door at that specific time anyway? And I’m sure no one will accidentally see. Sometimes you just can’t wait two minutes in order to relieve yourself in the comfort of your own bathroom.

These steps will have you hated by your apartment complex residents in no time. Good luck!

Note: These aren’t my next-door neighbors this year. This is a collection of horror stories I have heard from friends or witnessed myself from residents of my apartment.