The Simpsonian

PERSPECTIVE: If fall is your favorite season, you’re probably basic

by Laura Wiersema, News Director [email protected]

It’s that time of year again — the time when all the white girls lose their minds over pumpkin spice lattes, apple orchards and their wardrobe.

Yep, I’m talking about fall.

Well, there’s one white girl who isn’t head-over-heels for the season. Fall is overrated, and it’s about time that everyone gets over it.

It’s absolutely ridiculous that people still freak out about fall. It happens every year. It’s not like this season was recently created. But, regardless, the general population acts as if they’ve never seen it before.

They have to document it with excessive amounts of Instagram posts with hashtags like #fall, #leaves, #colors, #perfect, #beautiful and #nofilter. There’s nothing new here, so please stop. Appreciate its beauty by enjoying the time outside rather than taking generic pictures.

I’ll hand it to Mother Nature that the colors of fall are beautiful. But it only lasts for a week or two at most before all the leaves are laying on the ground and the trees are dead. You hear that? They’re DEAD. We are celebrating a somber situation. How dare you mock their death by doing crafts with their leaves? That’s like playing with corpses. It’sdisgusting.

We need to have a talk about pumpkin. It is like a rash that has spread itself over every aspect of life during this time of year. Sure, it’s good in pastries like pumpkin bars, but that’s about it.

Now there are pumpkin spice Pringles, pumpkin spice gum and pumpkin spice hummus. These things are unnecessary, and it needs to stop. This is an intervention. I speak on behalf of everyone who thinks pumpkin is the world’s worst flavor.

Carve your pumpkins and put them in your pie. Leavethem out of everything else.

Fall is the transition from the warm, sunny days of summer to the cold, dreary, stuffy-nosed torture of winter. Winter can be pretty with freshly fallen snow, but apart from that, it’s a terrible season. No one likes to be cold or have a cold.

Why do you think people get the winter blues? It’s the most depressing season. According to The Cleveland Clinic Foundation, approximately 500,000 people in the U.S. suffer from winter depression. Therefore, why are we celebrating the gateway to this dismal time? We should be mourning the loss of summer’s joyful moments and our positive attitudes.

Gone are the days of running around in shorts, too. They’re replaced with oversized sweaters, leggings, scarves and boots — the fashion of fall. But why can we only wear these things in fall? You could just as easily continue to wear them into winter and spring. Why are girls so eager to break out their sweaters? If you love sweaters so much, keep your house at 50 degrees and you can wear them all the time.

Problem solved. You are the only person to blame for your limitations on “sweater weather.”

The thing is, the weather fluctuates so much during fall. When I leave my room in the morning, I feel like I need a parka, but by noon I want to be wearing a tank top.

I can’t carry my wardrobe around with me all the time so I’m ready to change. I have to choose one or the other and live with the consequences of my decision, often uncomfortably either way. Fall is such a capricious season, like Mother Nature is experiencing menopausal hot flashes.

All of that being said, fall has aspects that you can rightfully get excited about. Football is back — a big deal for Midwesterners. It’s basically a religion.

Also, bonfires with s’mores and hot chocolate are some of God’s greatest gifts. It’s fun to grab some blankets and make memories with loved ones around a fire. Some of those memories become the best stories.

So, go out and enjoy the pleasures of fall. Get lost in a corn maze. Drink your warm apple cider. Immerse yourself in the final days of warmth before the inevitable dark of winter. But don’t forget to keep your excitement in check and ask that ever-lingering question: “Does this make me too basic?” The answer is probably yes.

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