Allocating funds to all of the right places

Allocating funds to all of the right places

by Matt Morain

The decision to allocate sparse funds is not an easy one for an administrator to make.

This summer, a substantial amount of money will be spent to renovate Barker Hall, whiich is in dire need of repair.

While entirely practical, sensible, and logical, I cannot help but think these finances could be spent on more entertaining endeavors.

After all, America has long been known for conspicuous consumption and an affluent lifestyle, so why not mirror that in one of its Heartland’s finer private institutions?

Barker Hall is primarily a freshmen dorm, and therefore should take a backseat to upperclassmen convenience. I lived in it this year, and it wasn’t that bad.

I’d sacrifice two semesters in a mildly dilapidated dormitory if I could have confidence in the idea that I’d be living in style in a year or two.

Living facilities for juniors and seniors should be posh enough to make Buxton suites look like a single at a Motel 6 after Keith Moon and Ozzy Osbourne try to one-up each other.

Frivolous expenditures define American consumerism.

One time intensely entertaining diversions are exactly what demand the money being spent on bringing Barker up to 1989 living standards.

Campus Day keggers, organized trips to the gentlemen’s club, or an all-campus Twister game are just a few examples of money well spent in bringing students together (in a decadent sense of the concept).

Let’s make Simpson a nationally recognized location by erecting a soaring tower, loftier than any other on any campus across the U.S.

It will heighten spirit, recognition, and interest in Simpson, Indianola, and Iowa. If funds aren’t sufficient for a tower, we could settle for a pole.

It would draw not only tourists, but also students from around the globe who want to proudly state, “Yes I went to Simpson, home of the Pole.” Help make Simpson a household name.

While Vince does a good job in offering a variety of nutritious and delicious meals at an affordable price, imagine what he could organize if money were no object?

Spread upon spread of delectable cuisine, served extravagantly and promptly to legions of loyal Simpson students.

Perhaps even guest chefs could be arranged to prepare meals for patrons to enjoy and tell their grandchildren about.

“The ‘Iron Chef’ and Julia Childs both came on the same day. By the time I got up to the line, Ms. Childs was too drunk to hold a spatula and the ‘Iron Chef’ had said “BAM” so many times it lost its meaning. What a great time.”

These proposals may seem vague or madcap, but could be improved upon if a student think-tank was assembled to decide upon other avenues of interest to which we should dole out repair funds.

Open-mindedness is the key to consensus satisfaction.

So please, Board of Trustees, hear our plea: forego freshmen living standards for upperclassmen convenience and amusement.

After all, older students turn into alumni much quicker, and so might their tuition turn into donations if they remember their last years at Simpson in a merry light.