I am so glad that Simpson College charges students for parking tickets!

Seriously, I don’t know what we would do without the comforting reminder that our vehicles, while not “illegally” parked, do constitute a problem for the college and all that dwell within its borders.

I can’t tell you how many times that I have walked to class and seen a Chrysler LeBaron parked near the library and thought, “Hey, that car shouldn’t be there! I don’t care if there isn’t a vehicle within three spaces. I want it moved…or at the very least the owner should have to pay a substantial fine!” Ah, the comforts of a safe environment.

You know, these comforts make me sleep a little better at night. I know that at 8:30, while I am snug in my bed awaiting the excitement of a 9 o’clock class, there is someone hard at work, walking the campus, making sure that every car has a sticker and that every tire is at least four-fifths of the way on the driveway.

Even the most trivial issues, such as a student borrowing a parent’s car for the week, are never overlooked. It’s almost like going to school at a Gulag! Man, those Russians had it good.

I would feel kind of down in the dumps about the whole situation if the college didn’t need the money. I mean, even though the tuition just went up by 4.5 percent, I know that we are barely squeaking by as it is. Where do you think our $22,210 goes? Have you seen the dining hall? Immaculate! What about the weight room? Nothing but the best equipment from 1985! And who can forget Dunn Library? Go ahead, try and name another college in Iowa with fish in its fountain…

The next time you go out to your car and find a ticket, don’t say, “Aww [expletive deleted], there isn’t another car in this lot!” Think, “These people are protecting my freedoms!”