Simpson’s own personality self-test


by Matt Morain

There are many ways to discover more about oneself. They say at the point of ultimate pain, one learns more about oneself in a moment than in an entire lifetime.

However, to save you the trouble of self-mutilation or (heaven forbid) hard work, here’s a handy take-home quiz that you can employ to size up your personality.

1) I live:

a- less than 2 hours away

b- in Iowa

c- in another time zone

d- in county lockup most of the time

2) I listen to:

a- spoken word Bible stories

b- rock

c- rap

d- my parole officer

3) I play:

a- a sport

b- an instrument

c- with/by myself

d- “guess how old that Cheetoh was?”

4) My guilty pleasure is:

a- reading past midnight

b- chocolate truffles

c- walking around without a shirt

d- unprintable

5) Since I started school, my weight has fluctuated by:

a- 5 pounds

b- “the freshman 15”

c- 20 pounds lighter

d- eating my roommate and consuming their soul, for there can only be one, Highlander!

6) My attendance and intensity at Simpson athletics classifies me as:

a- shut-in

b- active participant

c- Super-fan

d- Storm hooligan

7) I complain:

a- hardly ever

b- occasionally

c- frequently

d- this article sucks and I hate you. Don’t ever write again.

8) I see the ice cream machine in Pfeiffer as:

a- I don’t eat dessert

b- an occasional treat

c- nothing special

d- a blight upon this campus that infects and claims rank after rank of slim-hipped freshmen with a debilitating penchant for pastry.

9) I use the weight room:

a- never

b- 3-5 times per week

c- every day for 7 hours because I am a Golden God

d- as a place to hide from Campus Security

10) My success with relationships at Simpson thus far has been:

a- disappointing (I met a really cool friend online!)

b- adequate, I found my share of love and heartache

c- every chick on this campus wants me

d- I can’t walk 20 feet without being threatened with a butter knife

11) I drink:

a- only water and juice

b- on the weekends

c- with my kitten

d- my tuition money

12) I think of the message lady:

a- as someone who provides us a service

b- as the woman who tells me who called

c- as a way of finding out how many people want to hang out with me

d- with a seething loathing and contempt, occasionally fantasizing of discovering where she lives and hunting her down, spitting bile in her face as I repeatedly punch her in the ribs for making me feel like a forlorn, worthless loser

Good! Now add up your answers. Find the most common letter answered.

A) St. Peter called. He says to lighten up or you’re not making it in. Heaven’s got enough dull people as it is.

B) You’re Mr./Miss Average. Run of the mill, middle of the pack, not too bold, not too boring. Good for you. Don’t change too much.

C) Calm down. You’re trying way too hard to be cool. No one’s interested in how totally sweet you think you are. Seriously. You’re a tool. Knock it off.

D) Sit down for a minute. We need to have a talk. This is called an intervention. You’re on what’s known as a self-destructive bender. At this rate I give you 5 years, tops. You’re right here: –. We need to come down to here: __. Glad we had this little chat.

With any luck, this gave you more insight on what sort of Simpson student you’ve become. Now enact any changes you deem necessary, and we’ve successfully helped your personality. Enjoy the new you!