Be a kid, dress up, get candy


by Matt Morain

Forget the ghosts, witches and clowns. Welcome the new wave of costumes that are sure to make a splash come All Hallows Eve.

1) Wino – Urine-soaked clothes, a bottle of Beefeater’s gin, empty pockets and poor social skills? Smells like Halloween fun to me! Slur your speech from door to door to sound more down-and-out. It’s bound to get you more free candy, and let’s face it: you’re gonna need it.

2) French Soldier – Draw a pointy mustache and wear a fashionable uniform. When offered candy, criticize it obnoxiously and snootily. Give up after one house.

3) Robin – Nothing says, “I’m coming out!” like your very own Robin costume. Battle The Penguin, The Joker or the girls at the salon in your recreation of Burt Ward’s wardrobe worn on the set of the original “Batman & Robin” TV Series. Perfect for those who love the feeling of spandex on their skin but refuse to go anywhere without a cape. Don’t forget the mask, it’s essential not to let anyone know your true identity (not for crime fighting purposes, just so you don’t get relentlessly mocked and pelted with eggs for days on end). Bang! Krak! Zok!

4) Incoherent Ranting Guy on Street Corner – What better way to scare the absolute bejeezus out of little kids than to shout at the top of your lungs about the Ottomans returning to concoct highly potent biological weapons out of Styrofoam and Fun Dip. Cover yourself with monkey feces for enhanced ambiance.

5) The State of Utah – From the Canyonlands to Goblin Valley State Park, celebrate and honor the 45th state inducted into the Union by wearing its cardboard effigy. Hi, we’re in Utah…okay.

6) Dale Earnhardt/Wall – *This one requires a partner. * Draw a #3 on an old white T-shirt. Find a racing jacket and cover with decals and attitude stickers from your local gas station. Locate checkered leather pants (or plain old blue jeans if your pants are at the cleaner’s) and black boots. Obtain a Chevy hat and oversized reflective sunglasses. Partner: Cut out a large square of cardboard with room for your head. Write “Daytona 500” in large block letters with a Sharpie. Spend the night constantly running into each other. Warning: Sure to solicit a vicious beating from ruffians with no sense of humor.

7) Blink 182 – Make sure to ask for plenty of lollipops, because you really suck. Bust on the scene with repetitive, mindless lyrics and chord progression; spice it up with “punk” attitudes that appeal to the widest audience possible without offending Mom and Dad. Start two new bands that sound exactly the same but don’t forget to leave out your bass player!

8) Michael Jackson – Not even the dreaded Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse can top this guy’s fear factor. Combines elements of ghosts, skeletons and leftovers from the first round of Dr. Jekyll’s failures. Added bonus: all that free candy goes a long ways in the 12 and under demographic!

9) George W. Bush – See number 4.

10) Yourself – Why spend all that money pretending to be someone you’re not for just one night? Come original. Screw the system.