Conspriacies loom across the campus


by David Morain

The other day in senior colloquium, we read about LSD. Apparently, the CIA thought it would make a great truth serum, testing it on unwitting Johns that frequented a group of prostitutes in the San Francisco area. Our own government testing psychoactive drugs on hapless bystanders; it’s almost like something out of an Ian Fleming novel.

It got me thinking, though. What conspiracies do we see every day here at Simpson? What underhanded schemes go on right under our collective noses? Here are just a few of the ones that came to mind. (Caution: Only read alone in your room with the lights off… they’re watching…)

The Conservatory Conspiracy: Ever notice how the rooms in Amy Robertson are sound proof but they always leave the windows open?

You can clearly hear someone singing or playing an instrument at all hours of the day and long into the night. This is because in every room there is a recorder playing subliminal message tapes, just like in that one episode of “Saved By The Bell.”

All the music students are in on it; they get kick backs from the college in the form of meal plans and valve oil. The subliminal messages call you like a siren, saying things like: “All hail Maria DiPalma! She is your queen!”

The Pfeiffer Conspiracy: Just like when the CIA gave Americans LSD, the Marriott Corporation is putting experimental drugs in the food they deliver to Pfeifer Dining Hall.

However, unlike LSD, these drugs make you want to leave for home on the weekends. Because there are fewer students on campus on Saturdays and Sundays, this frees up a lot of time for the Pfeifer workers to hold services for their cult.

Not much is known about their religion. Some say they all sit in a circle, passing peyote and worshipping the Sun God. Others swear they hear goats baying late at night around the dining hall. Either way, one thing is for certain: Vince is the high priest.

The Parking Ticket Conspiracy: Think about this: the ticket lady has access to your license plate.

License plates allow access to driver’s registration, registration to birth certificate, birth certificates to social security numbers, and social security numbers to credit cards.

So there you have it. How else do you think she could afford a new blue windbreaker every week?

Faculty Conspiracies:

Eduardo Magalhaes: Well-dressed man with connections to South America. You connect the dots.

Jennifer Hedda: She’s been to Russia, she speaks Russian, and she influences the youth of Simpson College by teaching them about Russia. You guessed it: Soviet spy.

Tobias Winwright: Ever notice all the jokes in class? He’s testing out his material before he ditches Simpson for life on the road as a stand up comic.

“Stone Cold” Steve Emerman: Wears an “Above the Clouds” t-shirt. Takes students to Nepal during May Term. All signs point to Emerman being a Tibetan freedom fighter.

Stan Malless: Check out the hair. He’s one of the co-stars from TV’s “ChiPs” series.

John Pauley: Alien.

There are more, but I’ve already said enough. Keep your eye out, the revolution is coming…