The week before finals…

The week before finals...

by David Morain

December is a horrible bitch-goddess.

There are two things left for students as the end of the year approaches: semester finals and Christmas.

For one, you ask for cool presents from Santa. For the other, you have to pray that you’ll be allowed back in the spring.

So just to get you in the mood to study (and due to the fact that I really have nothing to write about this week), I leave you with a little piece of original prose.

‘Twas the weekend before finals, when all through Simpson College

Students were trying to fill their brains with more knowledge.

Their notes were strewn across the desks in disarray,

Knowing their finals were a short time away.

The student body was all cramming like crazy,

Making up for a semester of being so lazy.

Seems science and history were easily dispensable

When “Real World” and Playstation were way too essential.

You’re up to your elbows with papers and tests

You need to find a way to get out of this mess.

So while all of your buddies are studying like fools

You try to get by with bending some rules.

Acquaintances you know that have never missed class

Become your best friends as you called them to ask,

“May I borrow your notes, I need only a few,

I skipped some days to visit my aunt with the flu.”

And if that didn’t work, thank God for technology,

You could scour the Internet for a paper on microbiology.

Of course, this is a very dangerous practice indeed,

If caught, you will be at the mercy of R. Kevin LaGree.

With shortcomings of shortcuts leaving you vexed,

You head to Dunn library with all of your texts.

This is where you’ll spend the majority of your days

Attempting to absorb the material in strange new ways.

Some have tried taking their textbooks to bed,

Hoping osmosis will put smarts in their heads.

Shredding their binders is another method they’ll try,

Eating their notebooks with salami on rye.

Neither one of the above actually works, just trust me,

The first leaves you tired; the second only makes you thirsty.

In the end, you’ll decide to read on your own,

To peruse every last page of every tome.

So who is behind this barrage of tests

That makes you lose sleep due to all of the stress?

“Those professors,” you scream, “are the root of the problem.

There’s got to be someway the students can stop them.”

Plans and schemes start to form in your mind

Of illegal ways to leave this chaos behind.

You could call in a bomb threat, your death you could feign,

Or claim the CIA put a chip in your brain.

These, of course, are plumb crazy, the last resort

Of one who thinks he or she will fail all the reports.

The worst part is our profs have the nerve to pretend

We’ve had the entire semester to prepare for the end.

Most professors will say, “You’ve had plenty of time,

To ace every test and paper we assign.”

But they don’t remember we have stuff due in class

The entire week prior… “Dead Week” my ass!

After this weekend of studying for hours on end,

The week we know as “Hell” will finally begin.

Monday through Thursday, each day is horrible

As you take tests and write papers for every subject imaginable.

Now British Lit, Now Western Civ, Now Abnormal Psychology!

On Photography, On Philosophy, On Intro to Geology!

From Instrumental Techniques to Students In Free Enterprise,

Each class will leave you contemplating suicide.

You sweat through each and every one of your tests

As each answer you were sure of turns into a guess.

The professors sit back and smile with glee

When you come to the front for another blue book or three.

The week goes by faster than any other will,

Every hour spent awake, thanks to caffeine pills.

And while freshmen and sophomores are still studying hard

Many upperclassmen give up and saunter off to the bar.

And when your last final paper has been handed in,

After test time is called and you put down your pen,

You can look back on the first semester and grin

‘Cause it’s four long weeks before the next one begins.

So take the time to relax and forget all your tests,

Time spent at home should relieve all prior stress.

And if that doesn’t work, friend, have no fear,

There’s one answer you’ll never get wrong… BEER!

Happy Holidays and good luck with finals.