Resolutions and predictions for 2003


by Matt Morain

As we are forced into the grueling swing of post-holidays midwinter depression, it’s time to reflect on the palindrome year that passed (it won’t happen for another thousand and one years) and look forward to a better, happier 2003. What does it hold in store? Well, in the last month alone, we’ve lost a Senate majority leader and a Bee Gee (God rest his sequins). Expect more loss.

The socialist proletariat that are the Sam’s Club members will rise up against forms of capitalism like the small-business owner, the entrepreneur and regular sized portions of goods. Their voices shall be heard through loudspeakers all over the world while carrying banners emblazoned with rolled-back prices and 12-pound tubs of mustard.

In an effort to hasten the decay of Western society, MTV will be taught in schools, replacing history, English, art and physical education as secondary education curriculum. Parents and teachers to be outraged; students not to notice difference because “Driven: INXS” is on after reruns of “My So-Called Life.”

The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King will make its scheduled release on Dec. 18. Thousands of nerds (myself included) will leave theaters, inexplicably, pregnant.

Pop-up related deaths will be up 105 percent, leaving hundreds who won’t find out about firm abs, great deals on digital cameras or clicking here for young barnyard hussies.

The FOX corporation will pull out all the stops and air “When Aardvarks attack COPS for the affections of Joe Welfare,” boosting ratings by 18 points while stripping freak shows everywhere of their drawing power.

President Bush will accidentally lock himself in a closet for 14 days with nothing to subsist on but beef jerky and forties of Lone Star beer. He will remain undiscovered; Suriname will be falsely blamed for his abduction and reduced to cinders. Bush will emerge from his hiding space unaffected by the incident and promptly accuse Iraq for his kidnapping. Inspectors will be sent to the country in search of duct tape and chloroform.

Technology will come to a screeching halt as a delayed glitch in programming sets off Y2K03. Mass hysteria ensues as stoplights, cell phones and clocks cease to function. In the primitive aftermath, a new method of telling time will develop using Rubik’s cubes and a base-9 system of counting.

Native Americans will win back their land on a single throw of craps. Free buffet still offered.

Chicago will win every title in professional sports except baseball, as they are destined years of disappointment and bad trades until 2008, when Andre Dawson will come out of retirement to lead the “Boys in Blue” to victory.

Well, there you have it. Now only time will tell if I’m Nostradamus or Not-so-damn-close. Have a good year.