Morains versus St. Valentine: Round 2

Morains versus St. Valentine: Round 2

by Matt Morain

In the aftermath of last year’s “The Brothers Morain” collaborative Valentine’s Day article, we learned several valuable lessons. Apparently, women don’t like it when “You portray them as insatiable pieces of meat whose only purpose is to bitch and get ‘bagged’,” as one obviously concerned female reader graciously pointed out to us.

On the other hand, we also learned that “…the Morain brothers make a good point,” and that “A great point was made in a comedic way,” proving to us that we made some sort of sense.

So as to not disappoint either side of our contingent of readers, we have decided to both tone down and turn up the offensive nature of our grievances with this most pink of holidays by presenting dual ideas with which to either please, or provoke, your mate on the 14th.

We present you with a choice of two ideal dates on Valentine’s Day; one for her, and one for him. Choose wisely, for the fate of your relationship hangs in the balance.

7:28 a.m. – Wake up for classes, then decided to cancel them yourself. CNN news anchor reports that Valentine’s Day has been renamed Steak-And-A-Stripper Day. Smile. Go back to sleep.

12:34 p.m. – Girlfriend enters room to bring you lunch of steak, mashed potatoes, apple pie and a six-pack of Budweiser, wearing a French maid outfit.

1:02 p.m. – Girlfriend leaves, taking your laundry with her.

1:04 p.m. – Shower.

1:38 p.m. – Get out of shower.

1:43 p.m. – Throw in “Band Of Brothers” DVD set that your girlfriend got you for Valentine’s Day. Munch on some pizza rolls and beef jerky she left in the kitchen.

3:57 p.m. – Girlfriend returns with the laundry, this time wearing a schoolgirl uniform. Cleans apartment while you play X-Box with your roommates, pausing every so often to fetch you a beer or compliment you on your fashionable sweatpants. Win every game of “NCAA Football 2003” and “Halo”. Friends concur that you are the greatest video game player that ever lived. Girlfriend agrees.

5:34 p.m. – After cleaning the apartment, your girlfriend orders pizza for you and your roommates and leaves you money to pay for it before leaving to type out the notes from your missed classes.

6:21 p.m. – Girlfriend intercepts pizza delivery guy and brings it to you herself in concubine genie costume, class notes and your completed homework in hand. Tells you to keep her money for poker with the guys and begins setting up table.

7:09 p.m. – Sit down to play cards on the new girlfriend-bought, green-felted deluxe poker table. Smoke Cuban cigars that she had her shady Uncle Lester import from the Caribbean as you rake in stacks and stacks of personalized poker chips. Cash in for Spring Break in Cancun with your buddies. Girlfriend says she can’t wait to hear all about your trip when you get back.

8:14 p.m. – Girlfriend vanishes only to return minutes later, dragging keg of Foster’s and slab of back-bacon into the apartment. Says she’ll check up on you in a couple of hours and leaves for the weight room to firm up for her man.

8:15 to 10:30 p.m. – Blur.

10:35 p.m. – Girlfriend returns in nurse’s outfit, accompanied by four exotic dancers she met in weight room, who immediately set about to clean up apartment, gyrating to “Everybody Have Fun Tonight” by Wang Chung and the theme from the “X-Men” cartoon. Good job, Wolverine.

10:58 p.m. – Girlfriend and newfound playmates tug you into your bedroom to cuddle… pants optional.

1:13 a.m. – Harem of women leaves you in peace to your own bed. Girlfriend gives you kiss on the cheek and wishes you pleasant dreams.