Getting for an attack from aerosol cans

by David Morain and Matt Morain

As we calm down from Homeland Security threat level Orange, it is important for every American to know what to do in the event of tragedy. For this, the U.S. Department of Homeland Security has created the website, an informative location to learn preventative measures as we continue to combat the War on Terror. Simple graphics help break down what to do in the event of various catastrophes. While this is good in theory, it is extremely poor in execution. A quick look at these confusing and misimformative works of art will leave you so confused you won’t know a Bush from a hole in the ground.

Nuclear Blast:

According to this picture, apparently the best advice the Department of Homeland Security can give us in the event of a nuclear explosion is don’t answer the door. “If you have a thick shield between yourself and the radioactive materials more of the radiation will be absorbed, and you will be exposed to less.” Uh-huh. Always ask how radioactive your blast is before opening up your house. Also, don’t fall for any of its dirty tricks the blast might use to get you to open the door, such as “Floral delivery, ma’am,” “Can Billy come out and play?” or “I’m only an aftershock.”

Biological Threat:

It’s not only feasible, but probable that our attackers will use oversized aerosol cans that announce their ambiguous, hazardous intents with a large sign above them. The CIA has announced that an Al-Qaeda agent, living illegally in the United States under the alias “Mr. Clean,” has been smuggling cans of furniture polish and Windex into our country for years. He has apparently been using television commercials to recruit stay-at-home moms with promises of a clean household if only they would release the dirty toxins into the air.

To repel this menace, all we need to do is calmly walk in the direction of the red arrow. If it weren’t for these plucky pointing defenders, we’d have no organized plan of retreat. Thank God for the military’s highly experimental Red Arrow division. We salute you.

Radiation Threat:

The CIA has been working diligently to ascertain where the first attack may come. Thankfully, the location has been narrowed down to somewhere in Round Rock, Texas, as denoted by the epicenter on the map. We’re unsure at this time, but the Clay Madsen Recreation Center in Red Rock appears to be the specific prime target. Islamic terrorists apparently resent the West for its ability to construct a fitness center with two full-size gymnasiums, a six lane, 25-yard lap pool, four racquetball courts, a cardio/weight room, an aerobics/dance room, meeting rooms, game room, and a full kitchen. Oh, when will we learn?

Clean Air:

Right off the bat, this picture looks as though Jay Leno will have plenty of material to continue doing his show in case the terrorists cut him off from his writers. At any rate, the government advises us to procure surgeon’s masks to prevent dangerous bio-toxins from entering our lungs. Fair enough, but they go on to tell you to be sure and have plastic sheeting, scissors and duct tape on hand. One-hundred percent total airtight security from the outside is the only way to ensure that airborne biological invaders won’t invade your house. But wait, you ask, won’t we be unable to breathe? No worrys, we’re sure we’ll be fine in the end. Just close your eyes and sleep…


A more conventional concern is the common explosion, potentially triggered by any number of readily available weapons. This could be caused by a terrorist’s car bomb, a soldier’s rocket launcher or by a large ape falling off a tall building. If one happens near your house, take cover under your computer desk and cower like a Frenchmen. Unbeknownst to the public, tech companies have been making keyboards out of a space-age, super-indestructible alloy that will not only stop but support the weight of several floors above you as your house comes crashing down around your head. These durable keyboards ensure not only your safety, but the ability for dateless nerds around the world to continue to download nude pictures of Brooke Burke following an attack on the United States.

Be Aware Of Your Surroundings:

We think Homeland Security is making an obvious point here. Don’t go to San Francisco. It’s not for terrorist action, though. The government has always had it in for the bay area, ever since the 60s when it was a cesspool of hippie culture. Nixon tried to take Jerry Garcia out of power just as hard as he did with Fidel Castro. In 1989, the C.I.A. even tried pushing it into the sea with a highly technological gamma ray gun. Sure, it was meant to look like an earthquake, but whom are you going to believe? Never trust Big Brother.