How to become a ‘real’ American

How to become a real American

by David Morain

Over the past few weeks, I’ve heard a lot of people say they were pro-American or true Americans. Often, they chastise those who oppose the war as anti-Americans. Well, I don’t want to be left out of the latest craze. I decided to adopt the ideology expressed by these true patriots. From here on out, I am a “real” American.

War in Iraq is not only essential to protecting others; it is essential to protecting ourselves. Real Americans like me believe that Iraq is the best place to start eradicating terrorism. Sure, you’ll say that Iran and Saudi Arabia are unquestionably more significant hotbeds of terrorist activity, that their governments have been suspected of giving aid to some terrorist organizations, but Iraq has ties, too. There was a report that one suspected terrorist even had his surgery performed in Baghdad. I think that’s grounds enough for us to send a few thousand cruise missiles into the heart of the capital.

Next you’ll tell me that the war is wrong because we’ve killed over a thousand civilians ( Who cares about them? They were probably terrorists anyway. The only thing we Americans care about is getting Saddam Hussein out of office. He’s a bad man. Until a decade and a half ago the United States supplied him and his nation with armaments, but that was then. I’m sure he has ties to 9/11, too. I don’t care if there’s any evidence or not. I believe we should just paint the entire world in black and white: those who are for the United States (good) and those who are against the United States (evil). That way we know who to launch the missiles at.

By the way, killing civilians will in no way prompt terrorist attacks. It just won’t.

Didn’t you hear that Hussein has weapons of mass destruction? I could care less if he was attempting to destroy them when we announced our plans for invasion. And as for that CIA report that Hussein would only use those weapons as a deterrent, you can cram it. No one should have these weapons at their disposal, except for the United States and our allies, of course. We’d only use them if they were necessary, like we did in Japan back in 1945.

The United States can handle dangerous weapons. I know my government would never lie to me. When Gen. Tommy Franks told reporters that the military would never use cluster bombs in Iraq, he was telling the truth. I don’t care if foreign journalists are reporting that they have witnessed United States planes dropping cluster bombs into civilian neighborhoods ( It just isn’t true.

The United States is not alone in this war. Haven’t you heard of the “Coalition of the Willing?” It has over thirty members now and, even though some of them don’t have armies, they are contributing in their own special way. I think Micronesia might have sent over a few wide-brimmed hats; after all, sunburns can be a real bummer after a day-long siege on an Iraqi village.

All the participating nations of the coalition are doing this because they, like us, love democracy. They are all friends of ours, even the Marshall Islands, which has probably forgiven the United States for using their tiny islands as a nuclear testing range from 1946 to 1958. Sure, Bikini Atoll is uninhabitable now, but we threw a few million dollars their way to pay for the victims.

It’s true that Iraqi military personnel are resisting more than we thought. Some Pentagon officials even thought they would take up arms and join us in getting Hussein. We have found friends in the Kurds of Northern Iraq. Sure, we accidentally hit a convoy of their troops, killing 18, but if you want to make a democratic omelet, you have to break a few Pershmergan eggs.

The Iraqi people love us right now. We’re giving them a new government and all it’s going to cost them is a few thousand deaths and many times that injured. I really think that Iraq is going to love democracy. Sure, there are decades-old feelings of animosity and prejudice between the major factions in the country, but I’m sure they’ll be able to look beyond those silly disputes and settle on one person to lead them, like we did in Afghanistan. I haven’t heard much about Afghanistan lately, but I’m sure the Taliban has crumbled and the people there are probably living the good life. Is there a McDonald’s in Kabul yet?

Besides, our forces will be there to occupy… I mean “assist” the fledgling government in every way. Plus, we can have a nifty launching point in case we want to extend our control into other Middle Eastern states. I honestly believe that our government will probably not commit to any other wars in the Middle East after Hussein is taken out of power. That’s why we’re there, right?

Well, maybe we could stop off in Syria or Iran. If Deputy Secretary of Defense Paul Wolfowitz, who seems like a cross between Heinrich Himmler and Grandpa Munster, has stated that he hasn’t ruled out a regime change in other Middle Eastern nations, I don’t see the harm. Islamic states need to become more like the West anyway. Why not start now?

Anti-war demonstrators just don’t understand these things. Sure, they may read newspapers, study politics or subscribe to various pro-peace religious beliefs, but most of them are just hardcore liberals looking to stir up trouble. Haven’t they figured it out already? Don’t think, just act. And I know that there’s no way they can be pro-troop and anti-war. How does praying for peace help our troops?

Those people on campus that put up the crosses should be ashamed of themselves. What were they trying to prove? War kills, everyone knows that. I just don’t want to think about it. I’m glad that someone knocked all the crosses down, and I don’t see any irony at all in using broken crosses to spell out “God Bless America.” By the way, I love that song.

How dare someone label the students that vandalized the campus as terrorists? Real Americans can’t be terrorists. Terrorists are people who attempt to scare or injure someone by using sneaky tactics, like striking at night or hiding behind anonymity after an attack. Did any of the students that destroyed the crosses or throw rocks through windows do that?

I should write them and tell them how stupid they are for having a mind of their own. Of course, I won’t leave my name. Real Americans don’t need to identify themselves.

You anti-war people need to wake up and realize that we’re already at Saddam’s doorstep, so you better get in line or go to France. And as for all that First Amendment crap about freedom of speech, we’re at war so give the Constitution a rest already.

These are trying times and we need to stand firm in our belief that God (ours, not theirs) will help win the war. Questioning authority never got anyone anywhere, so we have to believe that President Bush and the Pentagon are right about this. They aren’t after oil, they’re after peace, and the best way to get it is to bomb the hell out of Iraq. The rest of the world is wrong. I hate France. I hate Germany. I hate the United Nations. We’d all be better off if we just cut all our ties and run this world on our own… the American way.