Wknd 142A:

The Basics of Shacking

A sleeper’s survival guide

Ah, higher learning: the long-awaited destination for many of you freshmen.

What mystifying wonders and dazzling new experiences will await you? Bad food, extra weight and a homework overload that will turn the Circle of Knowledge into a book-burning fire pit.

Do not fear, young one.

Take hope, for on the weekends you might get to partake in the most sacred and hallowed of traditions, known only to the few privileged hundreds of thousands of students across the United States.

I speak, of course, about shacking.

For those of you who are new to the term (or have destroyed the brain cells that contained it), “shacking” is the act of spending the night in a foreign room when you had little to no intention of doing so.

Often times this can be a very enjoyable, non-threatening experience that can foster wonderful, budding relationships. For the 95 percent of the time when this doesn’t happen, you’re going to need to know how to get out of harm’s way as quickly as humanly possible while still retaining some semblance of pride and reputation.

This guide should aid you in your task.

Step 1) Infiltration

“Shacking should never be your goal from the outset of the night.”

Disclaimer aside, should you decide to go through with it, you should find this a fairly easy task to accomplish. Without working too hard, try to pick up on subtle hints he/she might drop, such as “I think I have a sock just like that one back in my room…” or “Can you help me fix something in my bed?” and finally “For the love of God come back with me to my room and do bad things to me!!!”

Use your intuition.

Step 2) Optional Activities

— Censored —

Step 3) Sleeping Arrangements

Quite obviously, since you’re reading this now, you’ve decided to spend the night. If not, tread lightly friend.

Hell hath no fury like a woman abandoned. Now, proper etiquette calls for you two to sleep tandem in the same bed.

These “bedside manners,” if you will, can be amended based on the varying degrees of emotions you feel toward this person, expressed in monosyllabic grunts.

• Yay!: Snuggle close and enjoy the warm embrace of fools in love.

• Ah: A casual arm draped across or stowed under the body will suffice.

• Eh: In the same bed is good enough.

• Huh?: Not sure if he/she is quality? The smart move is to hit the couch.

• Ugh: Floor, hallway, closet, anywhere but next to it.

Step 4) The Morning

When you arise, you’ll be confused and disoriented.

Don’t worry; this is normal.

Waking up in a strange bed is a lot like being born: you’re tired, you’re naked and you have no idea what just happened or where you are.

Your first priority is to find all possessions and articles of clothing you came with.

No matter what else happens, don’t give them the leverage of holding your stuff for ransom.

Next, you’ll need to identify your host. If you can’t remember the name, look for clues around the room – birthday cards, awards, bail bonds – any clues that can help you rekindle some spark of memory.

Step 5) Extrication

You need to pull out the troops and return to base. This should be accomplished quickly and quietly, without much commotion.

If your partner is sleeping, congratulations to you on your silent withdrawal.

If not, quickly assess the situation for hostility. When you have the opportunity to part on good terms, do so. There’s no sense in risking this powder keg to blow up in your face later on.

Finally, don’t drop any clichés like, “I’ll call you” or “I had a great time” or “You now have nine known forms of STDs and two as of yet unidentified.” They do nothing but prolong the exit.

You should now be equipped with all the tools you need to complete a successful OPERATION: SHACK.

When asked about your whereabouts the previous night, own up to your actions.

Lies come back around far too easily, and you don’t want to have to explain to your friends and associates that the Polaroid they hold in their hand is indeed not from your trip to the lake, and you did not, in fact, go fishing but slept next to a whale.