Nicknames benefit you and your exes

by Stacy Kess, U-WIRE

I have a hard time not mixing up my ex-boyfriends’ names. Thismay be due in part to three of them sharing the same name. But fearnot! As your wise and ingenious sex-love-relationship columnist, Ihave devised a fail-safe plan to solve my problem. The following isa detailed description of how to pick and assign a nickname. (Note:All names have been changed to Bob to protect the not-so-innocentex-boyfriends.)

Without further ado, I give you The Nickname Plan:

Step 1: Identify the male (or female). For our purposes, I’llchoose my ex-boyfriend Bob.

Step 2: Note some of his (or her) more unique characteristics orpersonality traits. Bob happened to be an Eagle Scout and also hadan interest in bondage acts; something that later became a sourceof our arguments because I refused to join him.

Step 3: Find a reason to give him (or her) a nickname. In mycase, Bob would later become the first of the three Bobs. At thetime, however, Bob merited a nickname for my complete disgust withhim after our break up. You see, Bob had initially liked me becausehe considered me a bit of a punk kid. After some time had passed,he decided “punk” meant “needs to be fixed.” Two days later, overthe phone, he announced his plan to “fix” me. Fix me? “There is nofix the punk merit badge,” I told him. “Lose my number.”

Step 4: Replace all uses of his (or her) actual name with thenickname and share the assigned nickname with friends, with theunderstanding that no mention of the ex’s actual name shallhenceforth be made in your presence. My real problem arose when Istarted dating Bob II, followed by Bob III.

Yes, I’ve pretty much nicknamed all my ex-boyfriends. Go ahead.Tell me it is horrible and mean to nickname the boys, rather thancalling them by their given name. But as you do, consider theterrible relationships, the stories I could tell you that will makeyou never want to date again — or at least give you a goodlaugh.

The way I see it, they are benefiting from the nicknames, too.By referring to them by their nicknames when discussing my exes, Iam protecting their identities.