The Simpsonian’s weekly security log has become a favorite amongstudents curious about the seedy delinquent underworld on campus.It offers the opportunity for otherwise mild mannered students tolive vicariously through the more adventurous.

Having never made the log myself, I can only speculate at thestories behind these incidents. What happened after the incident?What events led up to it? Did these crooks have motive or did theyact out of blind rage? There has to be more to each report thanmeets the eye.

In the spirit of imaginative criminal justice investigation,I’ve taken it upon myself to recreate these events with a littlemore descriptive detail than can be contained within the logitself.

*Any similarity between the fictional depictions representedwithin and the actual incidents themselves is purely coincidentaland entirely unintentional. If you or someone you know is thesubject of one of the log’s entries and feel offended by thedramatization presented, I am sorry…but you got caught.

Date of incident: 10/5/03

Time of incident: 3:55 a.m.

Type of incident: Fire

Location: Cowles

Police Assistance: Yes

Narrative: Fire in dumpster on west side of Cowles. IndianolaFire called. Fire put out. No damage to Cowles building.

Having appeased the Moon God by killing the Sun and pleasing theQuiet God by cutting the tongues out of cats in the neighborhood,sophomore Lewis Stephenson – who goes by the satanic alias”Lucifertile the Turtle” – set fire to a trash bin full of hisroommates possessions.

The items, which were allegedly supposed to represent hisdisdain for false idols, blazed towering flames towards the heavensand, incidentally, lit up Stephenson’s hair like a Christmas tree.(Cologne-covered Buddhas and Aqua Net drenched pagan hairdos do notmix well.)

Stephenson panicked, and was seen running off into the night,screaming “Help me Jesus please I was just kidding!”

He is now reported to be living underground with third degreeburns and a Lhasa Apso. He is also believed to be responsible forthe heating pipe problems outside BSC.

Date of incident: 10/6/03

Time of incident: 2:00 a.m.

Type of incident: Vandalism

Location: W. Clinton Ave -100 Block

Police assistance: Yes

Narrative: Numerous reports of vandalism in area: broken garagewindow, broken wood slates, damage to vehicle from brokenglass.

In town for a “Please for the love of God make me a celebrityagain” tour, Scott Bayo offered his patronage to the local Zoo bar.14 Zimas and several declines for casual sex in the bathroom later,Mr. Bayo left the bar to take out his sexual frustration on thetown.

Miffed to discover that Joanie stopped loving Chachi and thatCharles was indeed no longer in Charge, a severely inebriated Bayostumbled into a garage door, which he then apologized to andproceeded to hit on. After several unsuccessful minutes ofcourting, Bayo became infuriated and began to strike the door withhis fists before attempting to sodomize a nearby Toyota Sentra,resulting in broken glass and much, much worse. He slinked away abroken man.

Date of incident: 10/25/03

Time of incident: 1:10 a.m.

Type of incident: Arrest

Location: Buxton Lot

Police assistance: Yes

Narrative: Student arrested for public intoxication, providingfalse information and littering.

Following a stressful week of Playstation, junior Todd Doxson(no relation to the mediocre ISU quarterback of the same name)rewarded himself by cutting loose and drinking alone in hisvehicle, a 1983 Renault Le Car. At around 12:45, Doxson spotted thepolice making their way through the parking lot.

Spooked and not sober, Doxson backed his car out, turned aroundand reversed back into position, with his front end facing out soas to throw the heat off his trail. It proved unsuccessful, andauthorities confronted Doxson.

When prompted for identification, he procured a ten-dollar bill,claiming to be Alexander Hamilton. Playing along, the officerpointed out that the signatures on the “license” did not match thename he gave. Foiled, Doxson cast the currency aside and was citedfor littering.

Date of incident: 10/25/03

Time of incident: 11:00 p.m.

Type of incident: Citation

Location: 600 Block North E

Police assistance: Yes

Narrative: Student cited for possession of alcohol under thelegal age.

Upon being notified of underage drinking in the area, IndianolaPolice responded to the 600 Block of North E St. Finding no sign ofsuch a complaint, the officers were about to leave the scene whenthey spotted a mother walking her child in a stroller along thesidewalk. They decided to ask her if she had seen any such activitythat night. As they approached her, the officers observed the womanstowing an object inside her carriage. They discovered it to be ababy bottle filled with Jim’s Eight Star Whiskey, which she claimedbelonged to her daughter.

Rather than file the paperwork for such a horrendously asininecrime, the officers simply charged the child, 8-month old AmandaSanchez, with possession of alcohol under the legal age, and leftto go hang themselves out of moral contradiction.

Date of incident: 10/29/03

Time of incident: Unknown

Type of incident: Theft

Location: Women’s locker room in Cowles

Police assistance: Yes

Narrative: Report of items missing from lockers in the women’slocker room in Cowles. Items missing include: towels, goggles,practice swimsuits and personal hygiene items.

Nothing more than a case of an ill-conceived Halloween costumeidea gone horribly awry. Four males, 19-year old Aaron “Camp Jim”Brickowski, 22-year old Nathan “Chief Workout” Abernathy, 34-yearold Mit Mitterson and a man of unknown age who calls himself “TheMule” entered the women’s locker room in Cowles during swim teampractice. Planning only to steal women’s clothes for Halloween andleave, they slipped in the shower on their way out during amistimed high-five and turned the water on, soaking the clothes andmaking them un-wearable.

Having burned their other clothes to destroy any evidencelinking them to the crime they were about to commit, the young menwere in what was described as “a tight spot”. They proceeded todisrobe and put on the only remaining clothes available: swimsuits,towels and goggles.

Leaving the locker room they were encountered by securitypersonnel, whom they eluded by stating that they were members ofthe women’s field hockey team and were late for practice.

The personal hygiene items remain a mystery, althoughauthorities speculate it had something to do with a fraternityprank on their “father.”

Look for more on this case as details unfold.