On Friday afternoon I put a container of chopped apples and oats in the refrigerator in the Carver faculty lounge. On Monday it was gone. Of course refrigerator theft goes back before recorded history. However, this was meant for my horse and it included horse steroids and a supplement called Swedish Horse Power. When I mentioned this to some Carver faculty, they were cross with me and said that I should not have put controlled substances in a refrigerator from which theft was known to be rampant. I say that if any science faculty are really into animal feed they can buy a 50-lb. bag of oats for only $7 at Reynold’s Feed Store. I would be grateful for your advice on this subject.

-Steven Emerman

My gut reaction – leave more horse steroids in the fridge. That’ll teach them to steal your food. But I understand most people aren’t like me and wouldn’t want to endanger someone else’s health … I still say screw ’em. Even if someone took the food and threw it out, he or she should have the guts to admit it.

Laying the blame on you is almost surreal. It’s like saying to someone, “Hey, you parked your car on a public street, it’s not my fault I broke into it. You knew people break into cars.”

You’re never going to know if anyone ate the food with the horse steroids. But maybe you can go Nancy Drew on the case and watch for the side effects of steroids. The good people at WebMD give this list of symptoms for use of human steroids: “Men may develop breasts, get painful erections or have their testicles shrink. Women may grow excessive facial hair, have their voices deepen or have reduced breast size. Both men and women may develop acne, have oily scalp and skin, develop jaundice, become bald, have mood swings or fly into rages.”

Those symptoms just spell hilarity. I understand this is a serious matter, but it’s horse steroids. Who would eat food that looks like it’s for a horse?

If someone threw the food out because, well, it looked as if it was intended for a horse, they’ve put someone at risk. That someone is my fellow college student. I don’t know of anyone who does it now, but I’ve heard stories of dumpster diving in my years here at Simpson. So what if some innocent student, dumpster diving in the night came upon the food and ate it? Talk about ruining the Simpson experience.

I went online to read up on steroid use. (Did you think I was an expert on steroids? If so, go to jail. Go directly to jail. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.) I found out that athletes use some forms of horse steroids because they have mild results and few side effects. So maybe someone was looking to bulk up a little and found what they were looking for in chopped apples and oats. Tasty.

I just can’t get over someone eating this. I mean, I could understand chopped apples, but oats? Mixed with apples? If they’re that desperate you could buy the big bag. Then they can dip a cup in as they please for some oat-filled goodness.

The bottom line is if someone ate your horse’s steroids, it’s their own fault. If I’ve learned anything about having roommates it’s that they will notice and they will get pissed when you eat their food. This would probably make a great after-school special: Don’t do drugs, don’t steal, and don’t blame others when you do something wrong (even if they left food with horse steroids in the fridge … you ate it).