How to: Satisfy A quest for football ‘fanhood’

by Scott BrinkmeyerStaff Writer

With the passing of the state-rivalry game and the coming of the Simpson Homecoming, some might be at the crossroads when they consider what exactly it means to be a football fan. I can’t tell you exactly what it means, but I can suggest ways to at least pass as one.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, there is absolutely nothing wrong with clichés or stereotypes. What you’ll need are your supplies in a specific ratio: one part football knowledge, twelve parts face and/or body paint.

The ratio of actual football knowledge is small for a reason–it just simply is not important. Is it important when becoming an actual fan of the game? Absolutely. Is it important when only wanting to appear as a football fan? Not in the least.

If you know only a handful of statistics, regardless of understanding their relevance, and you bring them up at the right moments and frequencies, you just might pass. I recommend this only if you feel comfortable with your use of statistics.

You’re not looking to jump into conversations based on key words. Just because you have a statistic on interceptions does not mean it is the right time or place to jump into a conversation where you just heard the word “interception”. If this were your tactic, I cannot begin to warn you of the number of motivational business meetings with poor football metaphors that you will undoubtedly, if inadvertently, crash.

If your conversation contributions are statistically insignificant, then you better bank on being someone who can nod and smile. Note: you cannot be limited to only smiling or nodding. You must be capable of doing both of them and at the same time. If you are able to do only one, or even only one at a time, this could be one of your most alienating qualities.

The second part of the ratio is face and/or body paint. Note: the ridiculously disproportionate ratio here. The more face and/or body paint you have on, the less people will question your fanhood. The face paint is limited in creativity. Some people might tell you there is really a lot of originality and creativity in face painting. To them I say this–check Renaissance sketches or cave paintings and you will see a so-called “original” design in these historical records. Body paint is, and always has been, where the action is. Your bare back, no matter how disgusting in its raw, divinely-created state, is a potential canvas. Paint a romanticized ideal of your mascot.

In the case of our beloved Simpson Storm, imagine the potential beauty waiting to be realized in a cold front coming to violent blows with a warm front. We are also blessed to have a mascot with a Plan B. If your back paint starts running- and, it will- you can pass it off as rain. Of course, to the opponents, you will want to describe it as a hellacious downpour for obvious reasons of intimidation.