How to properly stalk on Facebook

How to properly stalk on Facebook

by Rachel GullStaff Writer

Never have stalkers had it so good. In the old days, a stalker had to actually follow a person around and hide in bushes outside their house. Now, all you have to do is add someone on Facebook, and suddenly you’re “friends.” You have access to everything and anything anyone could ever possibly want to know about another person.

What is his major? Does she like this style of music? Did those two break up after their fight last night? Everyone stalks to a certain extent, but some of us are better than others. Here are some helpful hints to get you facebook stalking with the pros.

1.) Utilize your Stalker-feed. Officially called “News feed,” so many stalkers neglect this essential tool, but Stalker-feed is the key to becoming the best stalker that you can be. This tool makes it possible to learn important things about countless people without ever having to even look at a single profile. Stalker-feed gives you the most up-to-date information about your friends, and it can pique your interest about a certain friend, perhaps reminding you that you haven’t been adequately stalking that person lately.

2.) Limit the number of people that you stalk. Stalker-feed not included, if you are actually making the effort to view a person’s profile, you might as well make the most of the information in front of you. Learn every fact available about your friend, comparing favorite movies with your own, and maybe stealing some of this person’s quotes.

Don’t limit yourself to the official profile information. Dig deeper. Look at all of the friends that you have in common, and resolve to hang out with each of these people more often. Then, analyze your friend’s wall and find any of this person’s close friends who you aren’t facebook friends with. Add these people so that you can see their wall-to-walls with your friend. (Try to limit this… after you’ve added more of this person’s friends than your own, it begins to be noticeable.)

As you can see, this whole “stalking” thing could become very time consuming, so it is best to limit yourself to 3-or-4 people in order to make sure that you stalk these people as much as they deserve. However, if your friends don’t update their profiles often, feel free to add one or two to your “Most Stalked” list. But make sure to keep your priorities straight and check with your initial friends for updates at least once a day.

3.) Be subtle. This is the most essential part of being a successful Facebook-stalker. How many stalkers do you know who walk right up to you and announce, “Hi, I’m stalking you?” (Well, actually, I do that all the time, but people usually assume I’m joking…) Even if you don’t come out and tell someone you are following their every move, there are some telltale signs that you must avoid.

Try not to post on your friend’s wall more than eight times each day (especially if said friend hasn’t responded to your posts in several weeks). This same limit applies to photos.

If you find that you have multiple comments on each of your friend’s photos, that person may begin to notice. When your friend writes a new note or updates their quotes, try to wait at least five minutes before commenting on the new material.

Also, if you check someone’s wall-to-wall with someone else and discover something exciting and secret, don’t reference it later in conversation. Awkward questions will ensue, and you might be asked to explain your source… not fun for anybody! Finally, don’t look at your friend’s profile when he or she is sitting next to you in the computer lab. If this happens repeatedly, your friend may begin to realize that something is up.

These are just some helpful hints that one should keep in mind when facebook stalking. I encourage you to use these to get the most out of your facebook stalking experience. And if you ever feel embarrassed about your stalking, just remember that stalking someone is a sign of love. Tell yourself, ‘I stalk because I care.’ Trust me… It makes it all better.;)