How to determine whether your roommate is an alien

How to determine whether your roommate is an alien

by Rachel GullStaff Writer

Have you ever wondered whether there might be other life out there? Alien beings from a galaxy far, far away? They might even be here, among us, masquerading to look and act like us and infiltrating our world.

Personally, I have extensive experience with aliens; after all my stepmom is Canadian, and there’s no real difference between Canadians and otherworldly beings. Canadians just talk funnier.

Through observations of my stepmom and other suspected aliens, I have discovered some very noticeable and disturbing alien tendencies. In fact, I have witnessed many of these traits here at Simpson. It is very possible that each of you knows an alien. This alien could be anyone…. even your roommate!

In order to discover whether your roommate is an alien, you must follow him everywhere and observe his behavior day and night. During these expeditions there are several simple methods you can use to determine if your roommate is an alien.

Be on the lookout for abnormal behaviors

Perhaps your roommate possesses an unhealthy obsession with bubbles, gravity or Tom Cruise. He doesn’t know “The Chicken Dance.”

He irons everything, including his underwear! Of course, my grandmother does this, but I’ve always had my suspicions about her.

He does not realize that Spiderman and Peter Parker are the same person.

These traits show a lack of understanding about culture and society that could only be the result of an alien environment.

Ask to see identification

Of course, drivers’ licenses, birth certificates, and other identifying documents can be faked, so you must also ask to see progressive photos dating from your roommate’s mother’s pregnancy to the day before you moved in together.

You will need to speak with a family physician who can confirm your roommate’s normalcy, and you may very well need to see the results of a blood test.

Check your roommate’s heart rate every hour or so to ensure that he does, in fact, have a pulse. Many aliens don’t.

Test your suspicion

Find someone with a contageous illness. After your roommate is asleep, invite that person to blow contaminated air into your roommate’s face. If he wakes up and is creeped out, this would be the perfect time for introductions!

If your roommate catches the illness and dies soon after, don’t worry. Your roommate was an alien and probably was planning to eat you alive.

Be very cautious

Aliens possess superior technology and often have ESP. When around a suspected alien, be sure to focus on something different and non-alien-related. Try chocolate milk, the French Revolution or toenail polish.

If spoken to by a suspect, immediately begin singing, “Sexy Can I” at the top of your lungs and start an impromptu line dance. This method is guaranteed to scare any alien away. If he flees, you can be certain of his alien-ness.

If your analysis confirms that your roommate is, in fact, an alien, proceed with caution. Wait until the alien is sleeping and saran wrap him to his bed.

Once it is securely wrapped in a sheath of clear plastic, call every tabloid in the country, present your roommate in all its alien glory.

It will scream loudly and be sucked into a giant flying saucer hovering just outside your dorm room window and you will be proclaimed a hero for discovering an extraterrestrial. You will get movie deals, write books and star in a reality series.

However, if a flying saucer doesn’t appear, and your roommate just lies in bed screaming at you, he might not be an alien.

If this is the case, do not worry. You will still be famous as the kid who saran wrapped his roommate to a bed.