When you were first recruited to Simpson College I bet you heard a lot about the “Simpson Experience.” That mystical but uplifting idea that inspired you to dedicate four years of your life to this place. You thought you’d finally understand once you started going to school here, but the truth of the “Simpson Experience” still seems to elude you.

After three years, I still am not quite sure about the definition our college’s catch-phrase, but I have discovered fool-proof ways to help you make the most of your “Simpson Experience.”

Meet people. I cannot tell you how many freshmen go the whole year only knowing the kids in their LAS class and the people who live next door. Actually, I know plenty of seniors like that, except most of them have no idea who their neighbors are. College students become more and more antisocial as they age, so you need to make friends now while you still can.

In order to meet all of your new friends, scroll through the Simpson Facebook page and add anyone who looks vaguely familiar. That guy in your bio lab? Add him. The girl who lives on the third floor? Her too. The kid you hit in the head with an apple in Pfeiffer when you were playing catch with your friend three tables over. Well, don’t add him yet. He shouldn’t learn your name and where you live until AFTER he recovers from that concussion.

Also, if people your own age don’t seem to be warming to you, professors are always there to give emotional support. Always make time to visit a professor in his office. You can ask him about your assignment, past grades or his personal life. Don’t worry if you aren’t actually in any classes with him. This just makes the bond even more beautiful. In fact, at lunchtime, most professors eat in Pfeiffer, so you can always invite your older buddy to sit with you. Or, if you enter late, a professor would love to have you sit with him, especially if you offer to share your chicken nuggets. Plus if you choose to befriend a professor that you actually have a class with, you will get to see that professor at least twice each week. If your professor e-mails you to tell you that class is cancelled on days when you don’t even have class, he isn’t really avoiding you. He is just trying to make sure that you know everything about his schedule so you can become even better friends.

Take classes that have nothing to do with your major. This will help with your “meeting new people” goal, and it will totally broaden your horizons and make you more cultured. Simpson offers all sorts of super-exciting classes. Here you can take a class in herpetology, which apparently has nothing to do with herpes. Your music conducting class will allow you to wave a stick in the air just like Harry Potter. In Mathematical Modeling I’m fairly certain that the math professors don bikinis and parade up and down the halls in Carver. Seriously, who would want to miss that class?!

Cherish and really take advantage of your environment. Everyone is always complaining about how there is nothing to do at Simpson or in the “tiny” town of Indianola. However, the typical Simpson student has no idea of the wonderful possibilities that exist on this campus.

For instance, in the library there is a wonderful pond that no one ever plays in. Sometime before you graduate, get all your friends together for a pool party in the library. Only do it really late at night when there are fewer witnesses. If the librarian on duty does not appreciate the idea of a pool party and seems stressed out or tries to call security, hand her a rod and reel and go fishing instead.

Everyone knows that fishing calms and helps to clear the mind. The librarian should now be totally relaxed as she pulls fish after fish from the water. If for some reason this doesn’t calm her, realize that she must be an animal lover. Hand her a fish to name and keep as a pet. She will soon leave to care for her new friend, and you can continue with your pool party.

Search for all of the ghosts on campus. If you think you’ve found all the ghosts there are to find, make one up. Tell an unsuspecting freshman gruesome stories about the crazed psycho killer who killed himself right after murdering a boy and his girlfriend and his C.A and her C.A and a dog in the Kresge basement. Your little freshman will never be able to set foot down there again! In fact, if your story gets spread enough, soon no one will dare enter Kresge basement, and you will suddenly have a private place to hang out!

Your “Simpson Experience” is really what you make it, so allow it to be extremely fun, completely random, and perhaps rather awkward. It’s totally worth it!