How to: Survive a zombie attack

How to: Survive a zombie attack

by Rachel GullStaff Writer

October is Zombie Awareness Month. In addition to selling bumper stickers and making posters, members of the Zombies Eat People Society are trying to teach the Simpson community about how to survive a zombie attack.

Zombies aren’t common in our area, and most people only realize that zombies exist after they are being eaten by one.

You must be proactive and practice zombie awareness, alerting your friends, neighbors and random strangers to the threat of a zombie attack.

In the movies, it’s next to impossible to defeat zombies without cutting off their heads. However, cutting off someone’s head is generally not considered socially acceptable. In fact, PETU, People for the Ethical Treatment of the Undead, would be very displeased with you.

Just because someone is trying to eat you alive does not mean you have the right to cut off his head.

Plus, most of the zombies you will encounter will be your professors and fellow classmates, and that’s just not worth it, because they will totally stop being your Facebook friends after you decapitate them.

Thus, your survival depends upon avoiding zombies and not getting eaten. This is a difficult task, but with the right supplies you can do it.

You will need:

One very buff person- You may need help stacking large pieces of furniture in front of the door.

One person who has insane mechanical skills- This person will have the ability to repair your vehicle when zombies smash it on a dark road late at night and to create radios out of tree branches and banana peels so you can get information from the outside world – you’ll probably only get AM though.

One wilderness survival nut- When you are stuck in a room with zombies standing at the door and trying to break through the walls and dangling from the window ledge, and you’re starting to actually crave Pfeiffer food, this person will be able tell you what parts of your desk have nutritional value.

One person who is very nice and happy but has no skills whatsoever- This person will keep spirits high so no one gets depressed as the zombies break through yet another inch of the wall.

Until the zombies come, keep these people close!

Find shelter. You could construct a bunker from scratch in Buxton Park. However, this could take a really long time, and the police might not be too happy with you.

Instead of explaining Zombie Awareness on the way to a jail cell, begin to move into the cadaver lab in Carver. Many people might find this scary. However, wouldn’t you rather be stuck with someone you know is dead than someone who is only mostly dead, especially if the one who is mostly dead wants to eat you?

The cadaver lab is one of the most secure places on campus. It includes a locking door, a convenient out-of-the-way basement location, scalpels and cutting items and jars of pickled things that are perfect for throwing at an intruder. In fact, if zombies actually do make it into your hideaway, you can walk through a door and flee through the embryology lab, or you can crawl to safety through the cadaver lab’s elaborate air duct system.

Don’t go outside. However, if an emergency comes up and you run out of food and medical supplies, or desperately need to check Facebook, do not get caught.

To do this, you must blend in by impersonating a zombie. Perfecting your zombie look is essential, so don’t shower or sleep for several days. You will be stumbling and bleary eyed, and will have to hold your arms in front of you to keep from running into things. Also, you will smell like you are rotting. This should fool the zombies, and you won’t be eaten, probably.

Zombies die off when there aren’t anymore people to eat. So eventually, after the rest of the world’s population has been destroyed, the zombies will die too, and you can come out of hiding. This may take years, but the world will be yours, if you’re not dead by then.