How to: Not do laundry

How to: Not do laundry

by Rachel GullStaff Writer

When you buy something at Wal-Mart and ask to get your change in quarters, people think you’re nuts. They just don’t understand. To them, quarters represent gumball machines and silly little trinkets. When you ask for quarters, they judge you.

Only college students are able to comprehend the true value of the quarter. To you, quarters are worth their weight in gold. They represent power, prestige and not smelling like rotten eggs in your morning classes. Quarters give a person confidence and let him know that he is not nearly as smelly as his quarterless roommate. The special magic of quarters can be summed up in one word: laundry.

Doing the laundry was something you took for granted in high school. Then you came to college and it became a serious event. You scrimp and save, trying to collect the nine quarters necessary to wash and dry your clothes.

Sometimes you succeed and the world is freshly scented. Then again, sometimes you fail miserably, and the world doesn’t want to sit by you in the library.

People of Simpson, you must stop allowing quarters to run your social life! To help you take a stand against quarters, I have researched several ways to keep your dignity while living without quarters.

Don’t do the wash until you go home. This is easier said than done, but with a little determination, you can succeed. Things like jeans and sweatshirts can be used every day for months without needing to be washed. Unfortunately, items like socks and underwear are not re-wearable. Please, do not even try.

Instead, buy new underwear and socks when you start to run low. Even though new socks and underwear are sure to cost more than a load of laundry, you must think of them as an investment. They will pay for themselves over time, because they will keep you from running out of clothes, therefore allowing you to postpone countless laundry loads in the future.

If your clothes no longer bend when you put them on, feel free to get creative. Declare every day toga day and start a fashion trend using sheets, towels, quilts and garbage bags. This look is sure to catch on and doing the wash can wait even longer.

Invest in Febreeze. If you haven’t done laundry in months and your jeans, sweatshirts and even your sheets begin to look and smell like rotting cabbage, it is time to break out the heavy artillery.

Febreeze is a magical spray that invades the nostrils and convinces everyone that your clothes are newly washed. Even you won’t know the difference. Use Febreeze on every item of clothing you own, and the laundry can be postponed indefinitely.

Sometimes you actually might have to use soap and water. When all of your clothes have unrecognizable stains and small animals follow you everywhere, you might have to give in. When taking a shower, wear your clothes in with you to clean and refresh them.

Also, whenever doing the dishes, take time to wash one or two essential items. These simple steps will keep your clothes from disintegrating.

Mooch. Maybe none of these ideas are right for you. Maybe you’re one of those people who absolutely must wash clothes in a washing machine. If this is the case, keep an eye on the laundry room in your building and watch for someone to start a new load. Once that person has gone back to her room, put a few of your dirty items into the washer with hers. Your clothes will go through the laundry and be perfectly clean without costing you a dime!

You must be sure, however, to retrieve your items before that person comes back. You do not want to be present when she discovers that your favorite red socks have turned all of her white clothes pink!

Wear a trench coat. Trench coats have a pretty bad reputation because some people don’t bother to wear clothes under them. When a lack of clothes forces you to near-nudity, feel free to wear your trench coat around. You will feel super cool, and people won’t know whether you are a flasher or just a secretive spy. The mystery will fascinate everyone around you, and soon you will start yet another fashion trend.

Eventually, you will get to go home and you will finally be able to wash your clothes in a washing machine. This will be a day of pride and power and you will realize that you have conquered your dependence on quarters once and for all. Never again will you be haunted by the pain and stress caused by those little silver coins. You will have regained your dignity.

Until you get ready to put your clothes in the dryer, that is. After not washing your clothes for so long, putting them into the washing machine will cause them to morph into a giant grey lump that you have no hope of putting on your body. You will have to buy a completely new wardrobe. But at least you didn’t use quarters!