This past weekend, a few different events occurred that have led me to realize that I am quite possibly the biggest living oxymoron in the universe -I am a hopeless romantic who is scared of dating.

It’s true. I secretly adore the idea of a relationship. I really think it would be quite nice to have one of those people in your life who you can vent to, cry to, laugh with, watch movies with, spoon with, etc. But whenever I start to hang out with a person and I begin to think he might be the one, I get scared, start over analyzing everything that is done and said and end up quitting before I get hurt.

Or on occasion, after an internal battle of over analyzing, I finally decide to go for it. Then I get dropped like hot tamale.

So what started this thinking? What happened that made me come to this pity pot conclusion?

It started with the Iowa Supreme Court making an amazing decision to legalize gay marriage. Since whenever, I have always said I would never get married. Part of it was me being my cynical self and doubting I’d find someone that I could marry. But the larger part was that I knew I couldn’t because it was illegal.

But the day the court passed the decision, I fully realized that, if I really wanted to, I could go to the courthouse and get married. I got excited. For one of the first times, I thought, “Wow. I could actually get married if I wanted to.” I could do the wedding announcements and the invitations. I could register at Target and Bed, Bath and Beyond. I could make a guest list and ask someone to be my best man. After all this excitement, it kind of dawned on me that maybe Drew getting married could actually happen some day.

The other event that really made me realize how scared of dating I am was hanging out with this kid I’ve had a semi-crush on for a while. We’ve known each other for about a year, but really don’t ever see each other in person because he goes to school out of state. We finally had a chance to hang out this weekend during our regional NACA conference for CAB.

For starters, C is one of those people that is essentially the ideal material to be a good boyfriend, but for some stupid reason it just can’t work. In this case, the problem is that we don’t even live close. He’s easy to talk to, sweet and a genuinely good person, and to top it all off, he’s also quite attractive. But hanging out with him and realizing how awesome he was got me in my lame, “I’d like a relationship” stage, and then that just upset me because having that relationship with C was also quite impossible.

But knowing that it isn’t possible, of course, didn’t stop my brain and its ability to overanalyze and judge everything. I have no clue if C has any sort of reciprocal feelings, so I analyzed every other thing that was said and any sign of body language in an attempt to gauge how he felt about me. I started wondering if I was being too awkward and if I was doing something stupid. I became one hot internal mess.

That’s how I realized I’m a hopeless romantic who’s scared to date. I would love to get married. I dream of that sweet somebody who treats me like gold and makes me feel special. I walk around with my heart on my sleeve. But as soon as I start to think that any of this could be a reality, I get scared, question it and retreat back into my “I don’t want to date” nutshell.