How to: Make the most of the swine flu

How to: Make the most of the swine flu

by Rachel GullGuest Columnist

For months now people have been yelling about something called H1N1. People worldwide, even faculty and students here at Simpson College, seem terrified about getting this mysterious sickness.

Simpson has had a few scares when possible cases of H1N1 were reported. I hope none of you were foolish enough to mention this to your parents. Hysterical mothers would be driving in from all over the country to rescue their “babies” from this plague.

I think this H1N1 thing is all very mysterious. H1N1 seems like such an innocent name. It sounds like R2-D2 or C-3PO, and suddenly all you can think about are lightsabers and Wookiees. When you hear the phrase H1N1, you desperately want to say, “May the force be with you.”

Giving this sickness such a pop-culturally-acceptable name seems to be some evil plot to make the world think it is harmless. Therefore it is important to remember what people called H1N1 when it was first identified: swine flu.

Important grown-ups have been quick to reassure us that one cannot get swine flu from eating pork. Then exactly how do you get it? And why on earth would they decide to call it ‘swine flu’?

The Truth…probably…

Judging from the mass hysteria, I think it is very likely that swine flu turns people into pigs. I am quite convinced that no one in his or her right mind could possibly be so terrified over the flu if it didn’t have serious pig-producing consequences.

This is just not acceptable.

My dad raises pigs, and I can tell you that you don’t want to be one.

Pigs are smelly, they walk on all fours and they don’t wear any clothes. What kind of a fashion statement is that?

Swine flu is everywhere.

I have a theory that swine flu is just like the chicken pox: You are most contagious before you know you have it. I reach this conclusion because swine are animals, and chickens also are animals. Therefore, their highly unacceptable illnesses are probably identical.

This is terrifying. People could be carrying swine flu, on the way to becoming swine themselves, without even knowing it.

Be on the lookout for signs that your roommate has contracted swine flu: Does he or she snort when they laugh? Does he or she seem to be gaining the “freshman 15” rather quickly? Is he or she even smellier than usual? These are all signs pointing to a very serious case of swine flu.

Avoid contamination…yeah right…

According to the ever so helpful e-mails sent to the campus a few weeks ago, to avoid becoming contaminated, one must maintain a distance of at least six feet from all who are suspected of carrying swine flu.

Simpson isn’t the biggest place- in fact I’m pretty sure it’s about six feet from one side of campus to the other. If everyone has to stay six feet from everyone who might have the virus, no one can go to classes or sleep in dorm rooms, and we definitely can’t eat in Pfeiffer.

If a confirmed case of swine flu occurs at Simpson, we are going to have to do something awesome.


Simpson College will have to be quarantined. If everyone is exposed to swine flu we’ll have to stay here so we won’t contaminate the rest of the state.

Professors will either be stuck with us or they’ll be forced to stay away. Classes will be cancelled, and we can have free reign of campus without a care in the world. It’s entirely possible that we will all be seriously ill and puking our guts out. If we all turn into pigs, that is of course, unfortunate. But you can’t have everything.