How To: Talk Sports

How To: Talk Sports

by Rachel GullGuest Columnist

The World Series just ended and with it, baseball season. You were sitting at a table in Pfeiffer, talking about normal stuff when the World Series became the topic of conversation.

Suddenly everyone in your group stopped speaking English and started speaking baseball.

You heard something about a guy in a bullpen and questioned his intelligence. You wondered why anyone would be glad to get the runs and how the people at your table would know such personal information.

Many people are confused by sports lingo and refuse to discuss the games as a result. There are some simple ways to educate yourself about athletic events so you too can talk sports.

Find a tutor: Watch a game with someone who seems to know what they’re talking about. This person should be able to clearly explain the basics of the game, answer your questions, and tell you which teams are doing well this season. Take notes if necessary.

Stay neutral: Until you know what is going on, do NOT declare your dedication to a particular team. If you claim to like them, you’ll be expected to know their lineup, recap every move of their latest game and know the awkward personal details about every player on the field. If you are pressed upon to declare team loyalty, a new team is available, requiring minimal research: Brett Favre.

Brett Favre: No matter who you are, I’m sure you’ve heard this name. Brett Favre is currently one of the most loved and hated men on earth. Apparently this has something to do with him retiring from the Green Bay Packers. Instead of starting a used car lot like every other self-respecting retired football player, Favre decided to play professional baseball, got bored, and came back to play basketball for the Washington Wizards. Since his return, people have declared their loyalty to him rather than any team, and the cult of Favre seems to be alive and flourishing.

Wikipedia: When people start talking about a player you don’t recognize, subtly excuse yourself, run to the nearest computer and do a Wikipedia search on the guy. Professors hate it when you use Wikipedia. That’s because Wikipedia knows everything but unlike “scholarly” sources, Wikipedia actually uses words we can understand. The largest word you’ll find on Wikipedia is “Wikipedia.” Thus, the site is the best place to acquire quick, unofficial knowledge about sports heroes.

While you research, you must become acquainted with important athletes, who they play for and why they are good at their game. One of the most famous athletes is Tiger Woods. Tiger has a great swing. This comes in handy when he plays baseball for the Chicago Bulls at Lambeau Field.

Imitate: If you watch a game with others, choose one dude in the room who seems like he cares. If the dude you’re imitating decides to strip and run around the room naked as part of his halftime ritual, feel free to avert your eyes and cower in terror behind a couch.

If you follow this advice, you will soon be able to talk sports with the best of them. There is just one important thing to remember: people stop admiring you when you ask if the Packers are playing in the World Series.