How To: Survive an epic flood


by Rachel Gull/Guest Writer

With all of the melting snow and massive rains we’ve received lately, it’s amazing that Simpson College students aren’t swimming to classes. Floods are a normal part of Iowa springs, but every year impacts us differently.

For instance, we’ve all heard the story of Noah’s Ark: an epic flood that totally decimated the world but eight people survived in a giant boat filled with two of every kind of animal.

The Bible says that God promised not to wipe out the entire world with a flood again. This is a positive thing because it would take forever to try to collect two of every animal alive today. And since we can’t keep animals in our dorm rooms, we’d have to get creative with places to put them all.

The whole Noah’s Ark thing is a little awkward because you would have to choose seven other people to help you repopulate the earth. If you’re in a serious relationship, the choice might not be too difficult. But singles would need to start screening potential mates immediately.

Every chance conversation or Facebook chat would begin with, ‘The world will soon be destroyed by an epic flood. The survival of the human race is in our hands. Want to go out some time?’

Thankfully we will never have a flood that destroys all of mankind. However, normal-sized floods do plenty of damage. “Normal” flooding in Iowa involves plenty of destruction and chaos.

In the event of a flood at Simpson, I have some recommendations on how to survive.

Pack: You might have to relocate at a moment’s notice. Fill a suitcase with everything important to you, whether it belongs to you or not. Even if clothes have no special meaning to you, please include a few outfits. Your clothes are important to other people.

Find higher ground: The dungeons of the music building, the mailroom, Pote Theater, or the locker rooms in Cowles are all places where you could meet your death by drowning. If you live in the basement of Kresge, move all of your earthly possessions to another floor. Setting up house in the hallways is totally acceptable. Moving to another building, just in case, is also a good idea.

Camp Lounge and the Hawley Center are both prime spots: high in the air with enough room for you and your friends to have a giant sleepover. Unfortunately, neither of these locations offers much privacy.

The Stairs that lead to nowhere are a secluded Simpson location with just enough space for one. No one ever visits, so you can move all your belongings there now in preparation of a flood. From this perch you can watch out the windows for changes in the water level, browse books to help you complete that massive history paper and maybe even go fishing.

Provisions: By the time you see rain or puddles it could be too late. Stock up now on canned goods, beef jerky, bottled water and ice cream. Why ice cream? If Wisconsin floods too and all the cows drown, this could be the last time you have ice cream for a very long time.

Practice: Host flood drills in a building where you don’t actually live. Get a garden hose and make huge puddles under every door leading to the outside and at the base of every stairwell. Run through the building screaming loudly about a flood. Do not answer any questions- just continue screaming. The residents of the building will quickly evacuate to a higher floor.

Wait until the bottom two floors are clear and then pull the fire alarm. The ensuing chaos and confusion will give you the chance to escape undetected, and you will know that your gallant efforts made your fellow students more prepared.

So get out there and prepare for the worst Simpson College! If it actually floods, you will be ready. And if it doesn’t, you’ll just have a really cool fort high in the air in the back corner of the library.