This rendition of the Pfeiffer Survival Guide will focus first on how to acquire silverware. Unless you are going with the standard backup plan of eating pizza, your dining experience is dependent on the use of silverware.

A fork often proves to be the most elusive piece of silverware, so always prioritize it. An abnormally large percentage of Pfeiffer food requires the use of a fork.

Knives occupy the other end of the spectrum; so do not fret about getting one. The butter knives are so poor at cutting that you are just as well off using the side of your fork anyway. Most of the Simpson community is aware of this, which is why knives are so readily available.

Spoons are more sparse than knives but less available than forks. The only time a spoon is hard to find is when trying to get one from the salad bar for breakfast.

Getting silverware at the earliest opportunity is unspeakably important. If one of the first two food stations has silverware, get everything you need there.

All too often diners commit the common error of neglecting to pick up silverware until after they have all their food on their plate. This often leads to a “salad bar situation.”

A “salad bar situation” is that awkward moment when you are at the salad bar and suddenly realize that you don’t have silverware yet, and that the salad bar does not have the one particular piece of silverware you need.

Being stranded on salad bar island, where forks are a rare commodity, often results in venturing back into the madness to search for silverware. If you have to go back for silverware and want a sure bet, head to the pizza station.

No American eats pizza using a fork, so they are always there. For a slightly riskier but more time efficient option, try your luck at the other dispensaries.

The alternative to going backwards is to attempt the proverbial Hail Mary pass of getting silverware: the dessert bar. Staff keeps it stacked about 75 percent of the time, but you are putting everything on the line by depending on the desert bar for silverware because it is so isolated from other silverware locations.

Additionally, few people are aware of the fact that the desert bar has silverware. We may have just spoiled that well kept secret with this article.

Lastly with silverware: MAKE SURE IT IS CLEAN! It is tragic how many diners accidentally eat a remnant of somebody else’s previous meal. Furthermore, an average of 8.3 people use each individual piece of silverware in Pfeifer per day (keep in mind that 62 percent of statistics are made up on the spot). That is a whole lot of mouth on silverware.

The above advice is only a taste (pun intended) of the advice we have to make the Pfeiffer dining experience much more efficient and enjoyable. As always, there will be more hints, tips and observations concerning the Simpson cafeteria to follow.