Thunder the Elephant, Simpson College’s mascot is facing a full-blown PR crisis after being accused of hoarding the campus squirrels’ nut supply. The allegations come just as spring blooms and the squirrels prepare to restock after a harsh winter.
“It’s gone too far,” Squirrel Chairperson Barb Chestnut of the recently formed High Council of Furries (not that kind) said.
According to Chestnut, squirrel communities across campus began noticing strange patterns over the winter months. Stashes that were carefully hidden in flower beds and front lawns mysteriously disappeared.
“We thought we were losing our minds … but then we saw the footprints,” Chestnut said.
She believes Thunder is the culprit for this nut-crazy crime, commenting on the striking resemblance the footprints had to the ones leading to admissions.
“He’s also got a keen sense of smell and an advantage with that snout. That herbivorous mammal has zero impulse control,” she added.
The Squirrel Council convened an emergency meeting at Buxton Park on Thursday morning. Over 30 squirrels were in attendance, scurrying up and down tree trunks and chittering about Thunder’s alleged crimes against the tail-bearing citizens of this campus.

The squirrels expressed their frustration with being the little guys. Constantly startled or shouted at by ESAs.
“You guys have bingo, you guys have bow ties. All we have is nuts,” one squirrel pleaded.
The council drafted a list of demands for Thunder, including a formal apology, redistribution of all stored nuts and the establishment of a “Nut Neutral Zone” in the Kent quad.
“We want peace,” Chestnut said, “but peace requires peanuts.”
Witnesses say Thunder has been “sticking his trunk into hollow trees like he owns the place.” The accusations have shocked the community, where Thunder has long been considered a symbol of school spirit.
Thunder has denied all claims of nut theft in a written statement delivered to President Jay Byers’ desk.
“I have always respected squirrel sovereignty,” the letter reads. “I may have accidentally consumed a few acorns during routine trunk sweeps, but I categorically deny any targeted nut-hoarding. My diet is mostly granola and school pride.”
Despite this, tensions are high. Chestnut sought answers and approached George, the campus cat.
“I’m no snitch,” George said. “But let me know when you get those nuts back, I love a good snack.”
George then yawned, rolled over and refused further questions.
The Squirrel Council has threatened to escalate if no resolution is reached by the end of the week. Organized internet strikes via wire munching or bushy-tailed protests during graduation are not afraid to be employed.
At press time, Thunder was spotted near Pfeiffer Dining Hall holding what appeared to be a suspiciously large cashew. No official charges have been filed.
Squirrel council members plan to meet again Friday under the whispering maples, weather permitting.
“This isn’t just about nuts,” Chestnut said. “It’s about justice, about dignity. And it’s time someone stood up to those picking on the little guys.