Ladies and gents, I have bad news, and The Simpsonian is the first to report on it after hearing conversations from members of Tri Delta (I can confidently say it is factual because I am a member of Tri Delta) and other street cats. What is the bad news? Well, for all the cats out there, the most sought-after bachelor is no longer a bachelor. You heard that right: George, the campus cat, is in a relationship with Nellie, Tri Delta’s house cat.
While the news might not be shocking to some, there are reports of numerous dumpster fires around Indianola, and the claims have all had one thing in common—the likely suspect for the cause of the fires is a cat. We must interpret this as multiple cats taking out their anger on dumpsters and doing arson, all because George has a girlfriend.
We sent one of our reporters on a police investigation to see if they could catch a possible suspect. In an attempt to try and see both sides, the reporter, unfortunately, had to be transported to the local doctor to get stitches and a new eyeball so they will no longer be recognizable on campus. Despite the unfortunate events, they got a quote from the suspect, who was indeed a cat.
“Hiss.” (Very insightful words).
So, who is this diva? Or should I say, Nellie? Nellie De La Riva is a tortoiseshell cat with a spunky attitude. Through multiple sources, I have heard that Nellie likes to sing and talk and can be seen lounging around in the Delta house. One must assume that she is with George when she isn’t seen.
I was able to catch up with Nellie during my lunch break to confirm her relationship and see if it was going well. The majority of her quotes consisted of a lot of “Meow” and “meow,” so I put my recording into a cat translator and received these quotes: “I love George” and “Healthy . . . bird! Relationship.”
Because I am a reporter, I got both sides of the story and talked with George, who was waiting outside for Nellie at the time of the interview. Here are his quotes translated after I asked him how he met Nellie and where he sees their relationship going forward.
“Met outside on a walk,” George said. “Nellie is very pretty, and I would like to be with her forever and ever. And if I were a penguin, I would bring her all the rocks.”
I am happy to report that George and Nellie are the couple of the century.