I got a parking ticket last week for not having my permit on my car yet. I think it’s unfair. I was going out to put the permit on when I saw the ticket. If I appeal my parking ticket, will I get out of it? Or should I just give in?

– Ticketed Tom

Always appeal.

Something every student should learn is that the “man” is keeping them down. The “man” is pretty much anyone.

Try these excuses: Girls, try saying your mom came to visit you because your cat died the same week your boyfriend cheated on you and you were on your period. Guys, tell them your roommate puked all over your computer (which is, coincidentally, why your paper wasn’t finished either) the same week your date stood you up and you got a little “excited” when talking to a girl at The Zoo … and she noticed.

If they don’t buy it, just blame it on your inability to read. Try it – see if they can prove you wrong.

Why the heck should I take advice from you?

Why the heck not? People read Dear Abby and watch Dr. Phil and they don’t know anything. I grew up in the ghetto, man … wait, that was Vanilla Ice … wait, no.

I’m not going to teach life lessons and a lot times I won’t be nice. I’m like every Simpson professor who’s been embittered by plagiarism – I’ve got a heart of steel. But if you must know, here’s a brief list of my credentials:

-I don’t listen well because I like to listen to my music loud.

-I have a tendency to ramble and not make sense in conversation.

-I don’t care about your problems.

How can I get ahead in my classes without doing extra work?

Act like you care. If you actually do, it’s an added bonus. Talk a lot in class, and make sure to be loud and seem like you really believe what you’re saying. Pounding on the table while talking really brings something to a classroom discussion.

You could try playing hard to get, the classroom edition. Whenever your professor asks how class is going, act apathetic, shrug your shoulders and mumble something incoherently. In class act very interested. It will confuse your professor and possibly get you a boyfriend, according to Cosmopolitan.

Oh, yeah, try this one too. Pull an all-nighter, then go to class. A lack of sleep can really elevate your senses in the classroom. You’ll reach a higher level of thinking without drugs, and everyone will find you insightful.