Wait a second. Why is this girl not getting criticized? Every other part of the paper gets mocked and otherwise skewered, but Kari Koehler is a goddess? Kari, are you above mockery?

– Dissenter

No, I’m not. In fact, I’d like to take this opportunity to mock myself: I can do an embarrassing impression of a giraffe, I can’t even do a cartwheel and I talk in my sleep. There, now I feel I’ve learned my first lesson from Defense Mechanism 101 – be the first to mock yourself. It’s still funny then, and nobody will mock you later because it’s lost that mystery. Second lesson in Defense Mechanism 101: don’t mock too much. It gets depressing, and sad clowns don’t make anyone laugh. I try to start my day off remembering something I’ve done – like the time I thought my arm muscle was a swelled up mosquito bite – to teach myself that I’m no better than anyone. I’ve got a great knack for putting myself in my place.

I’m a fifth-year senior and I still don’t know what to do with my life. Is there any hope?

No, there is no hope. Quit now, abort, push escape and control-alt-delete. If you’re a physics major go home, live with your parents, read comics and build robots in the basement. If you’re a humanities major, go to Renaissance fairs instead of building robots. You could get a part as a serf or a minstrel. If you’re a political science major, write angry letters to the local paper from your basement. Maybe you’ll actually get something to change. If you’re a business major, you could become a pimp. You’ve got organizational skills and you’ll probably make a lot of money, which is really why anyone is a business major. For religion majors, forget about going into academics. Get ordained online for free and start preaching. Social science majors could start a non-profit agency for tax breaks. If you’re a music or theater major, I’m sure there’s a small town somewhere putting on “Oklahoma!”. And art majors can make the comic books for the physics majors to read with their robots. Lastly, have you ever considered the fast-food industry? There’s room for advancement and let’s face it – you’re desperate.