Aries – This week is going to make you want to beat someone up. You’re going to want to just absolutely destroy them. End their bloodline. However, this is illegal. Aries, you are going to need to master self-control this week, I know that’s a challenge for you, but you can’t just go around beating people up when they annoy you. Patience will make you stronger.

Taurus – This week is the week you should make the cake you’ve been thinking about. When you make that cake, you should share it with your favorite Libra. They will appreciate it a lot. Also, your favorite Libra wants a chocolate cake. With sprinkles. The only thing that is going to make this week worthwhile for you is that cake.

Gemini – You know that person in your life you’ve been missing, and you want to reach out to? Don’t. They don’t want to talk to you. Save yourself from the embarrassment. It’s over, there’s nothing left to save. They really do not want to hear from you under any circumstances. Also, you should try yoga.

Cancer – I know it’s been a tough week for you, but you need to stop crying. How do you even have more tears to cry? You should not physically be able to cry that much. This week is the week you need to put on your big kid pants and take on the world. You can cry a little, but just tone it down a bit, alright?

Leo – You’ve been doing a little too much self-medicating this week. Are you okay? I hope you know not every headache needs ibuprofen. Your friends are worried about you. Maybe try going for a walk instead. Or punch your wall. Either one is sufficient. I promise everything will be okay. You just need to chill.

Virgo – You need to stop thinking you aren’t directionally challenged. You can not get to the store without your GPS, stop trying to do it. You’re just going to get lost again and have to call your mom. Isn’t that embarrassing? You have to be sick of getting lost at this point, right? Just use the directions on your phone, please.

Libra – You are absolutely thriving. It is the Libra season, so this is your season. You are perfect in absolutely every way; everyone else is below you. Just keep doing what you’re doing. You literally could not be any more perfect than you already are. Happy birthday Libra.

Scorpio – Why are you so scary? Do you need to be this intimidating and brooding? I am afraid of you. Just because it’s October does not mean you have to be this threatening. Don’t take things so seriously. It’s time to have a little fun this week. Not to encourage bad behavior or anything, but maybe you should skip all your classes for fun.

Sagittarius – You are so tired, buddy. You’ve earned yourself a nap. Nap for the entire week. It’s going to feel so good. Actually, it’s almost winter, so you could just hibernate like a bear. Go into the woods and just sleep this week off. Don’t worry, no one will notice you’re gone, and you can return to civilization like nothing ever happened.

Capricorn – I don’t think you need to do your homework this week. It’s probably not important anyway. Don’t tell your professors I told you to do this. Let them think it was your idea. Or if you just avoid them completely, they’ll never notice. You’re a sneaky one. Use it to your advantage.

Aquarius – It’s time to shoot your shot with the special someone. Don’t even think about it. Just go for it. Nothing bad could possibly happen. It’s your time to be in love. If they reject you, just simply crawl under a rock until you feel better. It only hurts a little anyway. Trust me; I’m an expert at this kind of stuff.

Pisces – You are going to be one with nature this week. Skip the shower, go bathe in the lake. You can join Sagittarius out in the woods to sleep. Mother Nature is calling you, do you hear her? Make friends with the animals, bring out your inner Snow White. You are going to survive off the land this week. Ka-chow.