Dear He Said/She Said,

My boyfriend and I have been together for three years now. Hetalks about wanting to get married, but we’re almost ready tograduate and there’s not a ring on my finger. He wants to traveland move away from the heartland after graduation, but I love thegood wholesome people in the Midwest. I love him with all of myheart and I can see us growing old together, but after three yearsdo you think he’s afraid to settle down? My friends think I shouldstop sleeping with him because “why buy the milk when you can drinkit for free?” Cliche I know, but I’m tempted to do this. Will anultimatum help things along?

Signed – Ready for the Ring

Dear “Ready for the Ring,”

Cow analogies aside, I think your problem is bigger than whetheror not you should continue to sleep with him. An ultimatum isforcing a decision that maybe he’s not ready to make yet.

Reevaluate your own priorities. Are you placing more emphasis onthe engagement or on a lifetime commitment to each other?

Consider the changes you’ve personally gone through in the pastthree years. Did you come to college to for your M.R.S.? Or did youcome here to learn and grow? It sounds like you’ve both changedover the past three years. Are you willing to experience somethingnew with him by leaving Iowa or will he have to go that adventurealone?

You probably feel like all of this time you’ve been eating thesame old turkey on wheat and saving your Subway stamps. Well nowthat you’re ready to share the free sub, he isn’t sure if he stilllikes the turkey on wheat and you’ve been waiting for the free sub,you know? While turkey on wheat is arguably the best sandwich atSubway, there’s nothing wrong with mixing it up every once andawhile and trying something new.

Weigh the pros and cons. Best of luck.

Mindy Marks

Dear “Ready for the Ring,”

Do you really want to marry a man that you had to force intoasking you to marry him? This is the right time for a heart toheart with him. The number one cause of failed relationships islack of communication and you both are starting early. Since youare questioning his lack of sincerity, call him on it. If the twoof you are really into each other, you can work out the matter likeadults with no hurt feelings.

Your friend’s advice in this case is wrong. That logic says youhave no personal desires and you two sleeping with each other onlybenefits him. Stereotyping him as only in this three yearrelationship for sex is wrong and offensive.

Giving ultimatums usually is the beginning of the end in arelationship. You put your foot down about your ring now, and hisfeet will be walking out the door. When you give an ultimatum, itsays that you think that you are in control and he has no say.Remember, you are supposed to be equal in the relationship.

With that said, why don’t you ask him to marry you?

James