Due to increased pressure from the media, I have discovered that my true calling in life is to be a gangster. And no, I’m not talking Italian mobsters from the 20’s, although my great-grandpa DID bootleg alcohol for Al Capone.

I’m talking the hip, modern gangsters who everyone idolizes. I’m talking Flavor Flav and Eminem. I am talking Kevin Federline.

These super-cool gangsters have inspired me, and with their influence, I have entered the first phase of gangster-hood. With a little help, you too can be gangster!

Learn the Language

The key to becoming a successful gangster is learning to communicate with other gangsters. If you have no idea what a fellow gangster is saying, you can’t possibly become more gangster. These are some of the vitally important aspects of speaking gangster:

All word endings should be completely cut off and replaced with a vowel. For instance, the word “gangster” doesn’t even belong in a gangster’s vocabulary. The proper term is “gangsta.”

Fellow gangstas can also be known as homeboys… sometimes shortened to homee, homee-G or homes. (Why any self-respecting gangsta would want to be named after a housing unit is beyond me).

Words can be given a suffix like ‘izzle’ or ‘nizzle’ in order to convince people of your ability to speak gangsta.

If you find that you are still having trouble with this new language, contact Adrian Jackson for one-on-one coaching. He often volunteers his time to work with the less gangsta.

Accessorize

In order to be a true gangsta, you must first look like a gangsta. The gangsta look is based entirely on accessories, like any fashion genre.

A cowboy hat or snowshoes will keep you from ever reaching your gangsta self.

In order to accessorize like a gangsta, you must discover the wonders of “bling.” Bling involves wearing jewelry on every available part of your body, including your teeth.

One of the keys to being blinging, is realizing that bigger is better. The bigger a piece of jewelry is, the more it costs. If you are a little low on funds, do not despair.

You can always make your very own grill out of aluminum foil. Unfortunately, as with all cost-effective ideas, this one has a disclaimer. You must be cautious with this method, because the aluminum foil shocks your teeth upon insertion. This feeling is very similar to getting your mouth drilled by a dentist, but without the novocaine. Not that I covered my teeth with aluminum foil–but if I did, that might have been what happened.

In addition to your bling, you will definitely need multiple tattoos and piercings. If you already have them, good for you!

However, if you are a little wimpy and can’t get up the nerve to permanently dedicate your body to gangsterism, less intense versions are available.

Find a package of markers, a creative friend, and give them free reign. A note of caution: make sure that this friend is trustworthy, or you might find that you have an extremely hip tattoo of Mary Poppins on the back of your neck.

Be Intimidating

No gangsta has ever let someone get away with stealing a chair from his table in Pfeiffer, and a gangsta absolutely never backs away when he or she has to host a smackdown on the entire football team at once.

In order to let people know that you are extremely gangsta, you must first let people know how intimidating you are. The most efficient way to do this is to learn how to freestyle rap.

Freestyle rapping is super-intimidating, because it involves rhyming words while using aggressive hand gestures. You begin by baffling an opponent with extremely intense phrases like “Dude, you’re gonna get sued,” or “Start with the grocery cart.”

If the rhymes that you are using don’t make your enemy cry in fear, you might need to up the intimidating hand gestures and get a little creative.

If you follow these guidelines, you will be gangsta in no time! But you have to really dedicate yourself to the cause. This is a total immersion type of thing. If you only do it halfway, people might think that you are a poser. And then they might mock you… which wouldn’t be good for your gangsta image, would it?