You know those mornings when you’re half-conscious as you trudge to your 8 a.m. class. Your feet feel like blocks of lead, and it takes all of your energy just to put one foot in front of the other. What if you didn’t have to go through all this stress? What if you could get all over campus without having to walk at all?

You can very easily get all over campus with little to no effort using some very simple methods.

Keep a pony on your futon.

Everyone loves ponies. Everyone that is, except the people in Residence Life, or the professor who discovers a pony in the back row during his lecture. If people object to your pony, realize that they are just envious and wish they had ponies too. Offer to let them pet your pony for a quarter. Not only will this build good will and friendship all over campus, but you can also raise laundry money.

Make your own transportation.

My favorite method involves rolling desk chairs and canoe paddles. Also, during the winter months it is absolutely unethical, but very popular, to borrow trays from Pfeiffer to use as sleds.

Since Simpson doesn’t have many hills to choose from, feel free to use your sled to get down the stairs in your residence hall.

Drive.

You could just drive from home to class, Wallace to McNeill for another class, to the BSC to check your mail, to Dunn to check out a book, and then back home.

However, everyone will hate you. I’m talking everyone on earth and even those cute little penguins in Antarctica. Yeah, you will have like no friends because the earth will blow up and everyone will be dead. Permanently.

If the world doesn’t cook itself and everyone is still alive, bear in mind that my roommate is the president of the Environmental Awareness Club, and she may hunt you down.

Break a leg.

Have you ever noticed how everyone is really nice to someone AFTER they get hurt? If you come into a class with crutches or a wheelchair, your professor won’t even care that you are forty minutes late and missed the midterm. All that will matter is trying to make you comfortable.

If you don’t really feel like breaking a leg, find a friend and ask if you can help break his leg. Professors are not only pushovers if you get hurt, they are just as nice to the person who helps the injured get up the stairs and carries his or her books.

However, if you can’t find any friends who are nice enough to break a leg for you, rent crutches or a wheelchair and buy a lot of the medical tape that athletes use to make themselves look tough. Wrap the tape all over your leg and practice limping. Your professor will never know the difference.

Catch a ride

Lurk in one of the countless trees bordering the sidewalks. When a buff-looking boy passes by, jump onto his back. He will probably not be very happy and may try to remove you. If this happens, subdue him by wrapping your legs and arms tightly around him and quietly sing “Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star.”

He should immediately relax and will take you anywhere your heart desires. If he falls over and dies, you may have been cutting off his air supply. If something like this happens, return to your tree and wait for the next buff-looking boy to pass. He will stop and lean over to check the other boy’s pulse, making him a perfect target.

These are all tried and true methods of getting around campus. I would recommend trying them all before deciding which is right for you.