Aries: The time is ticking . . . for what? We don’t know.

Taurus: *dramatically theatre sighs* Your back hurts for a reason, babes.

Gemini: Pick up a new hobby . . . maybe hobby horsing?

Cancer: Treating yourself is okay from time to time, but you also need to save money

Leo: Ramen is not a food group, broaden your horizons this summer with new food.

Virgo: If you haven’t tried Crumbl Cookies, this is your week to try them.

Libra: Start reading the Terms and Conditions before you hit accept, you’re probably agreeing to give away your soul or fifth toe

Scorpio: It is never too late to start trying scuba diving. YouTube it.

Sagittarius: There are other things to read in the newspaper, not just the horoscopes.

Capricorn: You are amazing, and you should be proud of all your work this semester.

Aquarius: Don’t do it. Don’t do it. . . . or do it . . . we don’t dictate your life.

Pisces: Here you dropped this . . . a gold star.