Ask Millie: Reluctant Third Wheel


Dear Millie,

My best friend and roommate started dating this guy and I don’t like him. He doesn’t normally go to class and just sits on our couch instead. He spends the night at least three nights a week, and it bothers me that she doesn’t always remember to ask me. She’s cancelled our plans to meet with him and hasn’t been present in our friendship. I just don’t want to lose my friend, but I want to speak up. What should I do?


Reluctant Third Wheel


Dear Reluctant Third Wheel,

I’m sorry your friend is not being present in your friendship. She should definitely communicate with you about cancelling plans and allowing her boyfriend to spend the night.

However, you also need to communicate with her. I understand that it might be a difficult topic to discuss, but if it is negatively impacting your relationship, it needs to be shared.

You cannot control who your best friend is dating, even if you would like to. But, if she’s your best friend, I’m sure she would like to know your thoughts.

It can be a little intimidating when your friend begins changing their habits after dating someone. You might feel as though they do not have the time or the energy to hang out with you.

I’m sure you’ve heard of the “honeymoon phase,” right? This is when a couple begins dating and the two only have eyes for one another.

This could be what your best friend and her boyfriend are in right now. It makes is so they might not as easily recognize the flaws that may be apparent to others.

It could be that your friend is not realizing what she is doing is hurting you as much as it is, which is why communicating your feelings is so important.

Your room belongs to the both of you. She should not be inviting him over without your knowledge and agreement. Without these, it can put a further strain on the relationship.

Explain what it is you expect going forward. If the issue is not notifying you beforehand, express that to her. If the problem is him spending the night in general, that would change the way you discuss this topic.

Regardless of what you choose to bring up first, the most important part is that you do discuss it. You have at least the rest of the semester as roommates, and it needs to be a good experience in order to preserve the friendship you currently have.

Yours Truly,