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The Simpsonian

My boyfriend is so bad in bed. How do I tell him without hurting his feelings?

Having a lacking lover is never fun. I’m sure there are many people who can relate. Luckily, I have some tips for helping you get some satisfaction in the bedroom.

No one wants to be told they are bad in bed. What a hit to your ego!

The most important thing to do is tell him. It’s unfair to expect your partner to have mind-reading super powers; he’ll never know what to fix unless you tell him. Having good communication in your relationship — and especially in the bedroom — is a vital part of a healthy partnership. Sex releases a host of chemicals in our brains that are connected to bonding and attachment. Having a healthy sex life can be an important part of creating intimacy in a relationship.

So with that in mind, how do we tell your man to step up his game?

There are a few ways to bring up the issue, but try and remember the Golden Rule. How would you want your boyfriend to tell you? Men are more likely to link their sexual performance to their masculinity and identity. Be sure to be extra kind when sharing your feelings about this issue.

First, try to set a goal.

What would constitute good sex for you? Does it have to involve an orgasm, penetration, oral or something else? Sex means something different to everyone, and you should feel comfortable exploring what works for you. Knowing your body and preferences can help steer your partner in the right direction.

Masturbating, watching or reading erotica and making some time to explore what you love about your body can help you figure these things out. Try answering these questions: What is my favorite part of my body? What makes me feel sexy? What does my boyfriend do that turns me on? Where do I like (or dislike) to be touched? What activities would I like to try?

After you know more about your sexual self, try using what I like to call the praise sandwich to deliver the bad news: Compliment, state the issue (kindly), compliment. That way, he will still hear what you’re saying, but it will soften the blow by telling him what he does well.

Here’s an example: “Babe, I love how attentive you are. It was so sweet when you came to my race to support me last week. I’m hoping that we can bring that into our sex life, too. I’d like you to try kissing me extra slowly up my body next time. It would be really sexy and would make me feel even more loved. Thanks for being willing to try new things with me. I love that you are so open-minded.”

Be sure to give him some time to think about it, and negotiate what he is comfortable with. Go slowly before jumping into major changes.

If you are the one receiving the unfortunate news, don’t worry! Your partner clearly cares enough to share their feelings, so all is not lost. Be open to your partner’s suggestions, and be a good listener to make sure you both leave the sheets satisfied. Not everyone is a rock star in bed, but with practice and humility you can learn a thing or two to become a modern day Casanova.

Telling someone they are bad in bed is never fun or easy, but if done right, it will be worth it for both of you.

— XO, Millie

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