Well, here we are, another year in the books. We saw quite a bit happen in 2001: the attacks of September 11 stunned and unified our nation, California Representative Gary Condit became the center of controversy in the Chandra Levy scandal, and Michael Jordan came back.

The stock market hit the skids, the Yankees finally lost a World Series, and we lost another Beatle. So what does 2002 hold for us?

In this week’s column, I will attempt to predict the major stories and headlines for the new year.

The United States will not find Osama bin Laden. His whereabouts will be well hidden by al Qaeda. However, the impact of the United States’ war on terrorism will be felt by all terrorist organizations, as their funding and support will begin to fade.

The elections in November will see the cleanest campaigns in recent history due to the feeling of national unity since September 11. The Democrats will retain power in the senate, but lose a few seats in the house.

The Raiders will win the Super Bowl, Duke will-again-win the NCAA tournament, the Lakers will-again-win the NBA title, and the St. Louis Cardinals will win the World Series. I can’t back any of this up, especially the last one, but the first three are pretty good bets.

Strom Thurmond will replace all his organs with machinery, vowing to live forever. He will become the closest thing to a cyborg this side of Stephen Hawking and Darth Vader.

“Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone” will become the highest grossing movie of all time because children are dumb.

William Rehnquist will retire from the Supreme Court. After an exhaustive search, George W. Bush will nominate the old guy from “Mr. Belvedere”.

Bob Dylan will win Best Album, “Lord of the Rings” will win Best Picture, and Regis Philbin will win the award for most public appearances by an otherwise average man of little talent.

“Survivor 4: Stranded in Delaware” will still garner incredibly high TV ratings. The show will end poorly, as the remaining three contestants will die of boredom.

A Nebraska football player will be found guilty of numerous felonies, only to find fame and fortune in the NFL. (This isn’t really a fair prediction, as this happens at least once every year-regardless.)

Pfeiffer dining hall will win the Wolfgang Puck Award for Best Collegiate Cuisine Made Entirely of Sawdust and Tripe.

2Pac and Notorious B.I.G. will come out of hiding and shock the world, as they team of on a double album, “Thugs from the Grave.” It will go triple-platinum, before they begin to quarrel over East versus West and shoot each other at a nightclub. Snoop will give the eulogy at the double funeral.

Tuition at Simpson College will rise another 32 percent, so that Dunn Library can renew its magazine subscriptions.