As the throng of students return to their doll-house-sized dorm rooms and classes that seem to run longer than many presidential administrations, it is no wonder that today’s undergrad looks to a simple twelve-ounce miracle to chase the blues away on the weekends. With so many choices of beers, lagers and ales to choose from, it is important not to stumble into the many pitfalls that may draw you to one can of brew instead of another. That is why this article becomes so very necessary to the Simpson community. Therefore, I give you the 2002-2003 guide to beer in Indianola.

Where to buy:

Hy-Vee: This is an obvious choice for convenience due to the fact that Hy-Vee also carries food. Consider this a bonus because nothing goes better with a can of suds than something from the meat counter. The prices are good here, though they rarely have any blowout sales. They also have the best selection in town. This is probably going to be your best bet whether you have a craving for a Guinness Draught or a Leinenkugels Dark.

Wal-Mart: “Wally World” provides prices that most competitors can’t compete with. This is due to the high volume sales in the liquor department and high volume trailer parks that pepper this quaint southern Iowa town. You could get a big price difference compared to other retailers, but don’t expect a great selection.

The Bottle: This is a great place to look for extremely low prices every once in a while. The Bottle will ritualistically have short-term sales on large quantities of brand name beers. You just have to be one of the first ones to get there, because supplies are limited. Otherwise, it’s a pretty good place to purchase a couple cold ones.

Fareway: This supermarket has decent prices that often go unnoticed because of one glaring problem: no cooler. If you can afford the storage space, this is a good choice for all your shopping needs. Their selection is a bit lacking, but they will surprise you every once in a while with a 12-pack of Boulevard.

Convenience stores: Outrageous prices, poor selection and beer often make this the last resort for the alcohol connoisseur. The only reason one should shop at one of the many gas stations in Indianola would be their late hours…and beef jerky.

What to buy:

Budweiser: The self-proclaimed “King of Beers” lives up to its billing. It is so heavy, however, that it could also be labeled “Meal in a Can”. The price may scare you away, but it is a nice treat when it’s on sale.

Taste: A-

Price: C+

Overall: B+

Bud Light: A nice low-calorie alternative to the “King”. Tastes great, but again price can be an issue.

Taste: A

Price: C+

Overall: A-

Miller Light: This is a very smooth beer, and many prefer its taste to Bud Light. It can be a little pricey, but it is often worth it after a long week at the library.

Taste: A-

Price: B-

Overall: B+

Miller High Life: Catchy commercials can’t make up for a poor beer. This is a cost-effective way to live the “High Life” if you’re hard up for a good time.

Taste: C+

Price: B+

Overall: B-

Miller Genuine Draft: Heavier than Miller Light, but lighter than Budweiser, this beer is a nice change of pace every once in a while. A little pricey, MGD is known to encourage the theft of wallets.

Taste: B

Price: B-

Overall: B

Coors Original: This “banquet beer” is so heavy it feels like you’ve ingested three and a half pounds of Play-Doh. The taste isn’t that great and the price isn’t very motivating.

Taste: B-

Price: C+

Overall: C+

Coors Light: The “Silver Bullet” is one of the lightest beers on the market. Its drinkability (yeah, it’s a word now) makes it a real hit with your first time chugger.

Taste: A-

Price: B-

Overall: B+

Old Milwaukee Light: The one in the blue can is a cheap way to enjoy yourself on the weekends. Decent taste is just another bonus after you see your receipt.

Taste: B-

Price: A-

Overall: B

Old Milwaukee: “Old Mud” is the red-canned stepchild that every college student should avoid like the plague. Your mouth will never forgive you for trying to save a few bucks.

Taste: D

Price: A-

Overall: C-

Keystone Light: Never bitter, never a better beer for undergrads. The price is out of this world and the taste is comparable to Coors Light. It’s a win-win situation for you and your pocketbook.

Taste: A-

Price: A

Overall: A

Milwaukee’s Best Light: Much like Old Milwaukee Light, the “Beast” is an affordable way to take in a weekend of football and debauchery. Be warned: the next morning will leave you feeling like the Texas Tech women’s rugby team is dancing the electric-slide on your temples.

Taste: B-

Price: A-

Overall: B

Killian’s Irish Red: What, you think you’re better than me? Take your bourgeois-lager and go sit in your ivory tower.

Taste: C+

Price: D

Overall: C-

Corona: Enough songs have been written about this tasty Mexican brew that you know it has to be good. The price can dissuade you from buying it more than once per semester, though.

Taste: A-

Price: C-

Overall: B-

Natural Light: A staple on college campuses everywhere, the heritage of student drinkers is long on economics, short on taste. Very short.

Taste: C+

Price: A

Overall: B

Natural Ice: What a horrible way to spend your Saturday night. This should only be consumed when all other beers have been drunk and there is no rubbing alcohol in the cupboard.

Taste: D-

Price: A

Overall: C-

Busch Light: Affordability makes Busch Light a good bargain for buying in bulk. A very abrasive aftertaste will scare away most of the experienced beer drinkers.

Taste: C

Price: A-

Overall: B-

Busch: There is no redeeming value to Busch Heavy.

Taste: N/A

Price: A-

Overall: F