He Said She Said

He Said She Said

I have been dating this girl for about 4 months. We’ve come close to “consummating the relationship” but we’ve held off so far. However, I don’t think that she wants to wait much longer. The problem is that she’s been in a few other serious relationships and has had sex with three other people. And, well, I’m a virgin. It’s not like I’ve had lots of opportunities and turned them down, it’s just that I am kind of picky and kind of shy. Anyway, I think that she just assumes that I’ve had sex before–because most other 21 year old guys have. I am really afraid that I won’t be able to perform because of my anxiety–and even if I do, you know, okay, well…I’m sure I won’t measure up to her previous guys. Should I tell her? I am worried that her knowing will only make me more nervous. What should I do?

scared sexless

Dear Scared Sexless:

The right move is to confront this as soon as possible. Tell her and resolve it, for better or for worse. First thing’s first, you have to come clean. Relationships have been made or broken on honesty alone.

Consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds; don’t let it become the bane of yours.

You are putting too much pressure on the emphasis and meaning of the sex itself. It’s Man’s natural inclination to want to be better than his girlfriend’s last partner, to become the epitome of boyfriend evolution.

If you do decide (and I say “you” because ultimately you shouldn’t heed the advice of anyone but yourself) to go through with the act of consummation, you need to prepare. Would you take a final in a class you’ve never been to without studying first? Of course not, and sex is no different.

You need to become as proficient in its ways as possible, all without practicing. It’s quite a daunting task, but there is plenty of information out there to equip you with the tools necessary to get the job done better than any of her previous suitors.

Become a master of the erotic arts, and you’ll have nothing to fear but fear itself. Stride into this situation über-confident, and make her forget about the other 200 times. If you believe in yourself, you can reset her counter back to zero.


Matt Morain

Dear Scared Sexless,

Four months? Congratulations on making it past the superficial stage of laughing at jokes that aren’t funny, giving unnecessary compliments and possibly delving into a few intimate stories. That’s great.

The problem with sex in college is that the social standards are gut wrenching. People get down with complete strangers after a friendship that has grown over the course of hours. It’s understandable how your girlfriend feels that four months puts you on the freeway to sex. You two have probably waited four months longer than a lot of people on this campus.

It’s a complete honor that you’re choosing this girl to be the lucky one deserving of your long-awaited bouts of erotica. But you can’t even tell her how honored she should be! What do YOU have to be self-conscious about?

You are absolutely right that your anxiousness may impose upon your performance. Confidence doesn’t come as you shed your clothes; it has to be there well before the fact. What a low society we live in where it’s more embarrassing to be sexually wise than to be promiscuous.

Hang tight my virgin friend. At least until you have better communication in the relationship. How many relationships have you seen that amount to sex and garbage? Probably lots, they are rather common in this mindless age. .

Oh and about your predecessors-don’t worry about them. Apparently, they weren’t great enough to keep her. She’s yours now.

Yours Truly,

Kate Anderson