In the aftermath of last year’s “The Brothers Morain” collaborative Valentine’s Day article, we learned several valuable lessons. Apparently, women don’t like it when “You portray them as insatiable pieces of meat whose only purpose is to bitch and get ‘bagged’,” as one obviously concerned female reader graciously pointed out to us.
On the other hand, we also learned that “…the Morain brothers make a good point,” and that “A great point was made in a comedic way,” proving to us that we made some sort of sense.
So as to not disappoint either side of our contingent of readers, we have decided to both tone down and turn up the offensive nature of our grievances with this most pink of holidays by presenting dual ideas with which to either please, or provoke, your mate on the 14th.
We present you with a choice of two ideal dates on Valentine’s Day; one for her, and one for him. Choose wisely, for the fate of your relationship hangs in the balance.
8:01 a.m. – The boyfriend wake-up call. He sings “I Just Called to Say I Love You” by Stevie Wonder to you over the phone.
8:10 a.m. – Shower using shampoo, soaps and scented body lotions purchased for you by devoted boyfriend at Victoria’s Secret.
8:27 a.m. – Exit bathroom to discover breakfast and a note from him awaiting you on the table, without any sign of him being there. Note describes ten of your quirks that he finds irresistible. Smile uncontrollably as you enjoy your favorite morning meal.
9:42 a.m. – Begin walking to class when you notice a tuxedoed man standing in front of a Lincoln Towncar, holding a sign with your name on it. Upon investigation, you discover that this is your chauffeur for the day. Step out of the frigid air and into the toasty automobile, relaxing on the heated vibrating leather seats as he takes you to class.
10 a.m. to 1 p.m. – Receive “A” on a paper and ace two tests in your classes, thanks in part to the diligent study aid that boyfriend provided in previous research sessions during the week. He rewards your hard work by taking you out to a quaint lunch at Robin’s Wood Oven Grill in Des Moines. You order the club sandwich, a bowl of soup and a glass of wine. He compliments you on your hair.
3:03 p.m. – After lunch, your boyfriend takes you shopping in West Des Moines, telling you to get whatever you want. With his credit card, you purchase two new outfits, matching accessories, a new makeup kit, a pair of boots and a box of interesting knick-knacks from Pier One. He tells you that you smell terrific.
6:59 p.m. – Return to your place back at Simpson to find that your boyfriend has set up a romantic candlelight dinner for you. His roommates, who have been secretly practicing for the past two months, serenade you with string instruments as you enjoy a scrumptious meal of chicken marsala, freshly baked French bread, a garden salad with ranch dressing on the side and a couple glasses of red wine (Pinot Noir ’94). He gushes that he’s loved you from the day he saw you and has never looked at another woman since.
8:15 p.m. – Your boyfriend’s roommates leave after their second rendition of “Almost Like Being In Love” by Frank Sinatra. He pulls out copies of “Bounce” and “Sleepless In Seattle,” saying that he’d love to cuddle up and watch them with you for the rest of the night.
11:52 p.m. – Just as Tom Hanks gets to the top of the Empire State Building to meet Meg Ryan, he pulls out a diamond necklace (1.75 total carats). As you begin to mist up, he intimates that he wishes that these diamonds would sparkle like your eyes. The two of you embrace in a timeless moment. End the day with a back massage from your loving boyfriend (oil and romantic music included).