Dear He Said/She Said

This is going to sound really bad, but hear me out. A couple of weeks ago, my roommate’s sister came to spend the weekend down at Simpson. She’s in high school and is thinking about coming here next year. Anyway, the night before she left we all stayed up drinking and having a good time. Well, things ended up so that she spent the night with me in my bed. We didn’t do much, but I’m afraid that won’t matter to my roommate. He’ll kill me if he finds out, but at the same time I want me to be the one to tell him, not his sister. What do I do?

Sincerely, Fearing For My Life

Dear Fearing For My Life,

First off, you have to understand that what you did was not very smart. You placed your friendship with your roommate in jeopardy, and over what? A high school girl? I hope she was worth it, because this might end up ruining the rest of your year.

You have to be the one to tell your roommate. If you don’t and he finds out, you might want to invest heavily in medical insurance. Imagine this scene for a moment. Your friend is home for the summer. Over dinner, his sister remarks, “Hey, (name), I fooled around with your roommate when I was down for the weekend that time. Can you pass the carrots?” Is that how you want him to hear about it?

You’ll just have to grow a pair of brass ones and flat-out tell him what you did. Make sure to highlight three important points: 1) you wouldn’t have done it except for the alcohol, 2) you’re telling him now so you won’t lose your friendship and 3) you didn’t have sex. In fact, you might want to reiterate that third one a couple of times, just to reinforce the fact that what you guys did was tame. At no time should you refer to his sister as “easy” or a “skank”. This will earn you extra bruises.

You also might want to call his sister up and get your stories straight, so that when he confronts her about it she won’t tell him it was all your fault. Hearing that your friend messed around with your sis is one thing; hearing that he forced himself on her is a new issue entirely.

If he doesn’t see the logic in any of your arguments, tell him you believe in an eye for an eye. Offer him your sister.

Sincerely,

David Morain

Dear Fearing For My Life,

You’re right. This is bad. And serious. The first issue to consider is whether or not you have any feelings for this girl. The next thing to consider is the legality of the situation. Is she jail bait if this ever happens again and is taken to a “deeper” level? The third consideration-how big is your friend?

You might be safer in the situation if you have feelings for this girl. If you don’t then you need to temporarily pretend to. Start finding her adorable and soon. Her brother will still be put off by the knowledge that you and his little sister acted with no regard to family ties and friendship. But, if you can make him believe that there was a greater purpose in this risk-taking other than a drunken fondle, the damage he’ll do to you will be significantly less. I promise.

He needs to feel that you respect him and his sister. In a normal hook-up situation he would probably not flinch at anything you do. There’s no defense here except having an “emotional” gravitation to his sister. If these feelings aren’t genuine, you can always find several ways to get out of the situation. Read my break-up etiquette column this week for advice on that.

For now, pretend to love her. Who knows, maybe you’ll really end up liking her. In the mean time try little efforts like unnecessary compliments and buying his cup on Thursday to smooth your friend over. Good luck and stay legal.

Sincerely,

Kate Anderson