Simply Stated

by Simpson student body

Attention girls wearing low rise jeans: Everyone can see yourbutt crack. You’re not fooling anyone with those thong straps.You’re just a skanky plumber deep down inside, so put your crackaway.

~ sxkll9

Why is it, when the Cubs do well the fans suddenly come out oftheir shell? I know of only one true fan on campus, the rest arefair weathered fans. Yankees Stink!

~ Angry Waldo

An ode to Matt Morain:

Matt had a vampire bat. His fur was black as night. It followedhim to school one day and promised not to bite. He brought it outfor show-and-tell, the teacher screamed and ran. And school wascanceled for a week, just as Matt had planned.

~ Pres. of the Matt Morain Fan Club

The trouble with all these darn antelope is that they’re sounpredictable.

~ Jongo

Do you read Cosmo or Maxim? All right then… you read the samestuff there that you do in the Simp, so give the girl a break…it’s all in the name of fun.

~ Relax kids

To any Cubs fan:


Keep counting…

~ Cardinals Fan

Isn’t it fun to anonymously bash the newspaper and its staff!!!I love that I can say whatever ignorant, childish and uninspiredthing I want and no one will know it was me. Life is good whenyou’re an idiot and a coward.

~ Average Comment Posting Moron

Oh the joys of washing your face! I’ve always enjoyed a goodvigorous scrub with an exfoliating face wash followed by a subtlemoisturizing cream. It’s truly a pleasure!

~ Jongo

When I was at the football game in Pella last weekend, I kickeda tulip and was given a $60 fine. But who cares, we won.

~ 3 Blind Mice

Oh, the guys in the weight room last Monday night: You aredisgusting. There is no need to talk about your sexual lives (withsound effects and hand gestures, mind you) in the weight room! Thatis ridiculous! To the women of Simpson: Don’t give up your firsttime to these immature freaks. They’re likely to discuss yourdeflowering in graphic terms in public.

~ Disgusted in Buxton

A word of advice to the first year students: They call it thewalk of shame for a reason, hide your face next time.

~ Upperclassman

Where are the parties this year?

~ Flounder

Beware of the F-ed up Fish!

~ Bob

With all this talk about sex in the Simpsonian, everyone hasfailed to see one important fact: The front page was incrediblysexy. It was (and she is), as Jack Black would say, “SexSupreme.”

~ Pres. of Kate Paulman Fan Club