Squirrel attacks warrant alarm

Squirrel attacks warrant alarm

by Rob Stewart

Are the squirrels populating the Simpson College campus on amurderous rampage? This reporter says yes.

Some people may question how I have come to this seeminglyludicrous assertion.

These people would not be Simpson students, as most of ourstudent body has witnessed the carnage first hand.

While walking to class last week, I was horrified (and onlyslightly amused, I promise) when the individual walking severalpaces in front of me was suddenly and mercilessly pelted withnuts.

I say pelted because this was not the mildly unfortunatecoincidence of being hit by some bit of dead tree falling naturallyto the ground, circle of life and all, but a barrage of missileslaunched by a sinister someone or something.

The deceiving serenity of the beautiful canopy only made theunprovoked attack all the more unsettling, perhaps analogous to thecalm of the waters before Jaws appears.

The attack’s ferocity was matched only by its quickness, but Istill managed to catch a glimpse of the bushy-tailed assassin andit was indeed one of our crazed woodland friends.

This discovery now seems obvious, as the only reasonablealternative, other than a squirrel, would have demanded anextremely unlikely set of circumstances.

Circumstances wherein an exasperated professor somehow aquired”Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon”-esque tree climbing abilities andthen logically, used said abilities to launch an aerial assault onunsuspecting students.

I understand that this one incident does not constitute arampage, but this is not an isolated occurrence.

This kind of surprise attack happens daily. It is only a matterof time before you or someone you love will become a victim.

When these auburn rats are not busy launching woodlandprojectiles at our student body, they are instead venturinguncharacteristically close to their human counterparts.

Most of the wild animals I have encountered in my lifetime havebeen skittish and afraid of people; but not these bravecreatures.

They do not appear to share that healthy, good-for-my-survival,fear of the human race.

They often saunter close enough to you that, as one of my fellowstaff writers pointed out, you could pick one up and swing itaround your head.

It should be noted, however, that this individual is deeplydisturbed and would probably do this whether the squirrels wereunusually bold or not.

It would just take her longer to catch one.

She does however, make a good point: They venture close enoughand often enough that many students who have gotten used to thisDr. Doolittle friends-with-the-animals lifestyle could easily bemauled by a gang of squirrels faster than your average studentcould say Eddie Murphy.

The readers might be wondering at this point, and rightly so,what can be done about these wily creatures?

Is this really a threat?

How can I stay safe?

The answers to those questions are simple:

Keep your eyes upward or wear a helmet.

Yes, this is a grave threat.

Be wary of squirrel gangs.

And finally, hope they never learn how to open doors.