The maze we call walking to class

by Rob Stewart

The shortest distance between two points is a straight line. This immutable and practical law of physics was apparently not taken into consideration when the sidewalks canvassing the Simpson College campus were poured.

The paths of the sidewalks on campus more closely resemble a CandyLand game board than a public walkway. Unfortunately, instead of following the deliciously crooked pathways to a castle made of candy ours lead to a lecture hall or classroom. This slight change in destination makes the whimsical paths, so charming in CandyLand, as irritating as intestinal parasites in the real world.

Given that the sidewalks on campus are a concrete labyrinth, many students and faculty sheepishly cut across the lawn. This seems like a harmless and timesaving measure, and to the less than courageous scofflaw a thrill comparable to jaywalking. However, as a result of this corner cutting the lawns now consist of ruts deep enough to serve as war time trenches.

And, as the lawns look like a recently demilitarized zone, do not be alarmed if while glancing across the lawn during a passing period you spot a head bobbing slightly above the Earth. This is not a new race of hybrid mole people rising to the surface to enslave us, as most people would logically assume, but only a fellow student taking his usual subterranean path to class.

Some students and faculty are worried that the state of our lawns may cause Simpson to lose some of its aesthetic appeal. This loss could start injuring the college’s recruiting mojo, in turn causing a decline in enrollment, subsequently creating a huge budget deficit, forcing the college to close, this closure irrevocably damaging the local economy, destroying the state economy, and in turn devastating the national economy and finally annihilating the global economy until the Earth explodes into a fiery yet somewhat gooey explosion. These people are insane and should be ignored and promptly lobotomized.

Besides, the problem is soon solved. The Iowa winter will deposit foot upon freezing foot of snow on the ground, filling the beaten paths and transforming the uneven and patchy lawns into a pristine, snowy, wonderland. Unfortunately, as attractive as they may be, the snow filled trenches will most likely create a snowy grave for woodland creatures and small children with wanderlust. This collateral damage is acceptable however, as the snow will assuredly freeze not only children and animals but also the mole people, hopefully stalling their invasion until the spring thaw.