Hello vicious vagabonds and wretched wenches populating Simpsoncampus. It would seem that the editors of our most noble newspaperhave made a decision that is either very intelligent, showing thewisdom of years uncommon, or very insagacious, showing the blundersof youth. The decision concerned a venue for sports rantings (i.e.an editorial sports column).

The process was grueling: months of campaigning, mud slinging bythe gallons, circulating brutal, baseless rumors about mycompetitors, using money scammed from the aristocracy to bribe theproletariats, and surviving a brutal battle at the ballot box, thepeople have chosen me for this auspicious undertaking.

But what, pray tell, does all this mean?

To the uninitiated, it would be called subjective journalism, tothose who know, it is called Gonzo journalism. Simply put: it’s allabout experiencing it.

Standard AP journalism (i.e. the news) presents facts in astraightforward, no-nonsense, “just the facts jack” method;meanwhile, Gonzo journalism tries to elicit some emotion, somefeeling-even if that feeling is utter disgust and loathing for theauthor. This has happened numerous occasions in the past,especially on such sensitive topics as presidential scandals, BobbyKnight, and other bilateral debates where opposites take offense tothe slightest libel.

But I digress. To put it in the words of my lovely editor whenposed the question, “Can’t the news present the facts and behumorous and entertaining?”

“No.”

Some days, it might be entertaining. On others, it might makeyou want to purge that shrimp mayonnaise and salami sandwich withmaple syrup and cream of mushroom soup you ingested only four hoursearlier.

Still don’t get it? How about an example:

Headline: Coach C- the women’s basketball coach for P- StateUniversity sets up a deal with Hugh Hefner to get a spread doneabout the team.

Traditional Journalism: Coach C- faces the ordeal of losing hisjob today for crimes involving placing his girl’s basketball teamin compromising situations involving nudity and questionable moralcircumstances.

Gonzo Journalism: The harsh world known as reality is suddenlycrashing down on the peaceful gluttonous world of one pompousarrogant jerk known to most as Coach C-. Warrants have been issued;the feds have been called; the president is issuing a writ ofexecution; and Hugh (that swine) is getting more phone calls abouthis upcoming issue than three Pamela Anderson issues, a CarmenElectra issue and a Jenny McCarthy issue rolled into one. Thesebrutes don’t know when to stop. With a bit of luck, this should allroll over by the time the economy stabilizes.

My desire is that the scope and spectrum of this column reachfar beyond sports, and touch a gross, heinous thing known as life.Feel free to e-mail and suggest stories or berate me. Who knows,you might even wind up in the paper. Ye gods!

Ponder these thoughts and I’d suggest checking out Hunter S.Thompson. Mahalo.